Some issues take longer to work through than others. I’m still asking myself, Why do I care what people think so much? And it’s proving very difficult to completely erase this unhealthy obsession. But that right there is exacerbating the problem. Me trying to erase it’s whole existence is and will be impossible. The reason this mentality is a problem today is because of what I’ve gone through in the past. And we can’t erase the past. So how do we overcome something we can’t erase?
Ask Yourself, “Why Do I Care What People Think?”
It starts with nature. We all come into this world connected and craving connection. It’s a survival mechanism that has followed us through evolution. Without connecting and staying connected to the pack, our chances of survival dwindled. But despite there no longer being a Saber-toothed tiger after us, this habitual instinct is still there. Babies need to know their caregivers will keep them alive and safe, at least until they can do that for themselves.
As we start to grow, this is where nurture comes in. And this is where a natural instinct can grow into something harmful. Most of the time, to us.
External Reasons That May Have Caused You To Care Too Much About What People Think
Everyone’s experience is different. What may seem insignificant to you may be the catalyst for another. Here are a few reasons that contributed to me obsessing over what people think (maybe you can relate):
Being Taught To Value The Opinion Of Others Over The Opinion You Have Of Yourself
If we’re told over and over again that we do not matter until someone tells us we do, then that’s what we’ll believe. It’s like teaching a child that 2 plus 2 equals 5. If they’re taught nothing different, then to them, 5 is the truth. And when you value an external opinion over your own, you develop more hurtful patterns (which I did).
Being Repeatedly Rejected Or Left out
When we’re kids, our desire to be included helps us feel safe and loved, and it hurts when we’re not. What can make this worse is if we’re rejected by those that are supposed to love and care for us.
If we feel abandoned or kicked out by our own tribe, we can feel alone and afraid. There have even been studies showing that if the rejection hurts “enough,” it can actually activate the same parts of the brain that are associated with physical pain.
Being Compared To Others
It can feel heartbreaking to never feel enough, especially for those that are supposed to show us we are simply because we exist. If we’re repeatedly compared to others, let’s say a sibling, then it’s understandable we start to feel insecure. We can become hyper-focused on what others (mainly our parents) think because our subconscious survival depends on it.
I put in so much work to have those around me care that I just reinforced the belief that I alone must not be enough. Eventually, I fell into what became my main trauma response: fawning.
Trauma
Sadly for so many of us, adverse childhood experiences (ACES) are the root cause as to why we care too much about what others think. As we grow up, our brains continue to build our identity. And these experiences automatically imprint into our subconscious. The way we think and view ourselves and the world around us moulds based on these experiences.
If that environment was unstable or unsafe, it’s common for an individual’s nervous system to grow up as such, because it knows no different. My desperation to calm my panicked nervous system came out in my hypervigilance to what others thought. I grew up making sure others were happy, and more importantly, with me.
Why We Need To Stop Obsessing About What People Think
It is and will be impossible to completely not care what people think. We’re human! But it’s when the opinion of others instantly dysregulates us, causes us to feel insecure and unworthy, or change parts of ourselves that we’d usually be proud of (if they hadn’t said anything) that we’d need to deal with this now problematic habit.
I did all three of the above and still catch myself trying to slip back into old ways. But continuing to show up and redirect myself reminds me and hopefully others that we can change for the better—for us.
Practices I Use When I Worry “Why Do I Care What People Think So Much?”
Understand Your Story
By facing and understanding the story behind why you obsess on what others think, you can address where this obsession has come from. I still struggle with believing people aren’t happy with me or are judging me, etc. But being able to understand why I think these thoughts in the first place continues to help me disempower them, so I don’t see them as truth.
When You Ask “Why Do I Care What People Think?” – Realise That You Need To Start Loving You
Yes, it does feel good when people have a positive opinion of us. But if we don’t have a positive opinion of us, then we’ll constantly chase external validation. A rat race that leaves us desperate and worse off than before. Take your time to love and heal the parts of you that care too much about what people think.
Meditation And Mindfulness
Working on yourself is dysregulating, so finding ways to re-regulate is key. Since practicing daily (and being mindful throughout the day), I’ve noticed I’m better at regulating my emotions. I can breathe through the emotional discomfort that comes up when my need to obsess about what people are thinking of me is triggered. I can ride the wave now instead of drowning under it.
Remember this!
If someone does unfairly judge you, then this just highlights their wounds. Asking myself, What is going on with them to treat people the way they do? Helps separate me from the hurt and reconnect me to my compassion. They may be fighting a battle no one knows about. But I also remind myself to use this approach to understand their behaviour, not excuse it.
Do you or have you cared too much what others think? What has helped you? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment or just reach out in the contact page!
To learn more about how social pain and rejection can affect the brain, check out this interesting study Interaction between social pain and physical pain – Ming Zhang, Yuqi Zhang, Yazhuo Kong, 2019 (sagepub.com)
