“Why am I so hard on myself?” Has this question plagued your mind too? Know that you’re certainly not alone. I think it’s human nature to feel insecure and question ourselves at one point or another. But sadly, many of us are our own worst critics. There are times I still slip back into old, self-defeating habits and end up second-guessing the progress I’ve made. This frustration causes me to also ask this same question.
We Are Not Born Like This
No one is born unworthy. It’s the messages we take in, both inside and out, that can either help our sense of worth flourish or unravel. So when you experience enough stress or trauma that breaks this down, it’s inevitable that your view of yourself will shift or fail to develop in the first place. For example, if you grew up in an environment that repeatedly diminished your worth or your right to feel worthy, it would be extremely hard to nurture a positive self-image.
Or perhaps you were raised to extremely high standards. You continually aimed for overly high heights because you were told to, and anything less was deemed unacceptable. Sadly, striving for impossible expectations is just that—impossible. So you end up feeling shameful and inadequate, sometimes long into adulthood. This can become such a core belief that you don’t even stop to question, “Why am I so hard on myself?”
Often, it is not until we engage in unhealthy behaviours, that it starts to become painfully clear of the damage that has been done. From constant nit-picking of our “flaws” to punishing ourselves for our mistakes (both of which I’m guilty of). For me, it wasn’t until I began dating. The insight I gained from the pain led me to my agonising but much-needed breaking point. This crisis triggered a deep shift in how I wanted me and my life to be and a determination to do whatever I could to get there.
Address “Why Am I So Hard On Myself”
For so long, I avoided facing me. Yes, on the outside, I went to therapy, attended my appointments, and took what I needed to take. Yet, I wasn’t viewing or treating myself any better, and I could understand why—until I took the inner work seriously and truly asked myself, “Why am I so hard on myself?”. I totally get it; breaking that cycle is easier said than done. But if you want to break it, you do have to face it. It will feel unsettling and terrifying when you embark on this mission. However, the reality is that there is no workaround, no shortcut, and no alternative route. Like the old saying goes, “the only way out is through.”
But there is a silver lining; called re-regulation. I spoke about it in my last post. Since learning to soothe my nervous system, I’ve been able to withstand the emotional turbulence that comes with rewiring my brain. As you unpack questions like “Why am I so hard on myself?”, you become more resilient. Yes, you may still feel sad, angry, or resentful, but you won’t feel like a bull in a china shop or a lost soul in a dark abyss. The calm that comes with a regulated nervous system helps separate you from the thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that are hurtful. So you can start to realise that, yes, they are coming from you, but they are not you.
One Step At A Time
From here, you can start putting strategies in place to begin breaking this harmful habit. Throughout this blog and on “my tools” page you’ll find many practices. From mindfulness to reframing how you talk to yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight. Trust me. And it is a long process (I’m still working on this). But this life is a one-off. Once you realise that you don’t want to waste the rest of it being hard on yourself, you tend to be more willing to put the work in.
Because reaching that place of self-acceptance, where you know you are enough, will be completely worth it.
Have you been hard on yourself? How have you broken this pattern? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment of just fill out a contact form!
