We’ve all felt shame at some point or another. It’s such a common human emotion. However, toxic shame goes way beyond this. And in this post, I’ll explore it further. Not just to hopefully help another, but to help myself!
What Is Toxic Shame?
Unlike “normal” shame, which tends to come and go like any other emotion, toxic shame is chronic. A deep feeling of worthlessness and self-hate that entangles itself in who we are at our core. Not only do we feel shame; we are shame.
And surprise, surprise it is often the result of trauma, mainly childhood trauma. When we’re young, our minds are impressionable and ready for moulding. But this also makes us susceptible to internalising anything and everything, whether it builds us up or breaks us down. If we are consistently neglected, attacked, belittled, or shamed by those closest to us, then it stands to reason that we end up fundamentally believing that is all we are worth. Like a virus, our identity becomes infected and distorted.
I do want to point out, though, that there are always exceptions to the “rule.” It is still possible to develop toxic shame without adverse childhood experiences.
Symptoms Of Toxic Shame
The ruthlessness of toxic shame not only diminishes our worth and drives self-loathing, but it can also result in:
Excessive Self-Criticism
When you’re unjustly and repeatedly criticised as a child, you internalise that criticism. Over time, your inner critic takes on a life of its own. You continue to berate yourself, even as an adult. You may also notice you’re so much harder on yourself for the same behaviours you wouldn’t think twice about in a friend. And then you criticise yourself for this!
Highly Sensitive To Criticism
Ironically, we become more sensitive to external criticism. Those of us harbouring toxic shame are so good at scolding ourselves, but we struggle to receive criticism without it chipping away at our self-worth further. The fear that others would see how defective I believed I was felt terrifying.
Low Self-Worth
If, for so long, you were treated as if you had no value, then it makes sense that you end up not valuing yourself. This low self-worth can cause you to accept poor treatment from others. My more recent examples of this were in romantic relationships. I was attracted to those who wouldn’t cherish my worth because I believed I had none.
Lack Of Self-Compassion
As children, we mirror. We learn self-compassion by being offered compassion. If we’re treated unlovingly, then we internalise that as how we should treat ourselves. I’d feel shame for giving myself this basic human need. It went so against my norm that I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Difficulty Feeling “Negative” Emotions
If we are continually shamed for feeling as kids, then we come to believe that our feelings are shameful. This makes it harder for us to allow and accept them. There are still times when I can literally feel the resistance in my body to an emotion. Then I feel frustration for not allowing the feeling, which triggers more shame, and the vicious cycle continues.
Struggle To Accept Praise
It’s hard to truly believe praise or compliments when you have toxic shame. You feel like a fraud. Which makes it hard to accept them. I remember I’d swiftly shut down someone if they started saying nice things to me, even at times feeling the overwhelming urge to cover my ears to block it out.
How To Heal Toxic Shame?
The deep-rootedness of toxic shame means it will take time and effort to be reprogrammed and overcome. But it is possible!
First things first, you need to unearth these roots. – There are many practices that can help you make sense of where this toxic shame came from. From shadow work to deep reflective journaling.
Learn how to feel your feelings with non-judgement and self-awareness. – Skills like mindfulness and meditation have really helped me be with the “wave” instead of drowning under it.
Build awareness of how you talk to yourself. – Being able to recognise when toxic shame is rearing its hurtful head can help you interrupt the narrative and redirect yourself onto a kinder path.
Build Self-Compassion. – This is a tough one, especially if you’re so used to doing the opposite. But it’s essential. It’s time you finally gave yourself the love you may never have received. This can be cultivated through practices like loving self-talk, re-framing thoughts, etc.
Find more tips and advice throughout this blog and on my “tools” page. Explore and let me know which ones you’ll try!
My final note is to remember that this toxic shame was born from a place of pain, sometimes cruelty. You are not to blame. It’s a part of your inner child that is desperate for your understanding and love. Acknowledge him or her. They did their best to protect you in the only way they knew how. Show them gratitude.
But also show them the light.
Have you struggled with toxic shame? What helps you overcome it? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
If you’d like to learn more about toxic shame, check out Understanding and Overcoming Toxic Shame – +ProActive Approaches
