So we’ve now reached the “short straw” of insecure styles—the fearful-avoidant attachment. Also known as the disorganised attachment. It’s the most challenging of the attachment styles because it combines both the anxious and the avoidant, and it’s the style I struggle with.
In this post, you’ll learn:
- What the fearful-avoidant attachment style is
- How you develop a fearful-avoidant attachment
- Signs you may have a fearful-avoidant style
- How to heal from it
What Is The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style?
It’s helpful to first understand what attachment theory is. I discuss it in more depth on my securely attached post. But for some background;
It’s a framework created by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He determined that we all enter this world with an instinctive pull to emotionally bond and form attachments to ensure our survival. These early connections shape our “future emotional health and relationships.”
This quote from verywellmind.com pretty much sums up what having a fearful-avoidant attachment feels like (to me); “an extreme desire to be in an intimate relationship while simultaneously being intensely afraid of actually being in such a relationship.”
How Is A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Developed?
We’re all born with that drive to connect. But growing up in an environment that is often chaotic, unstable, and even abusive can result in a fearful-avoidant attachment. Unlike an anxious or avoidant style that can be developed from adverse experiences as an adult, it’s uncommon to develop a disorganised attachment as an adult. You may become aware of symptoms as an adult (i.e., how you show up to others), but often the wounds are already there. At least that was the case with me!
Examples of how we can become fearfully yet avoidantly attached include:
If A Child Is Raised With Unpredictability
Growing up, we need consistency and stability to feel safe. Knowing that our caregivers will be there for us allows us to build trust in them. We feel confident that we can rely on them. But if they’re unpredictable and unreliable, we remain on edge.
If A Child’s Vulnerability Is Met With Aggression, Dismissal, Invalidation Or Humiliation
Our caregivers are supposed to love us unconditionally. But by being consistently treated unlovingly, especially when we need it the most, we start to associate vulnerability with pain. And our sense of innate worth begins to diminish.
If A Child Experiences Abuse
When we’re children, we rely on those closest to us for survival. When that same source of safety becomes a source of never-ending fear, we develop what is called “fright without solution.” This is where there is the primitive desire to go to our caregivers for comfort and survival, but at the same time, they are now terrifying to us. We’re stuck in a constant state of “I don’t feel safe with you and can’t trust you, but I need you.” Thus starts the push-pull dynamic in those of us with a fearful-avoidant attachment.
On another side note, we don’t have to be on the receiving end of abuse for it to have a harmful impact. Witnessing abuse from those around us is also traumatic.
And as this style combines all insecure attachments, have a look over the posts I wrote about anxious and avoidant attachments to learn how each developed. Like me, you may exhibit signs of these styles but still fall into this category.
Signs You Struggle With A Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Here are a few traits (that I’ve seen in myself) that are also common in those who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style:
You Act In Ways That Are Confusing To Both Yourself And The Other Person
Because of how difficult it is for us to feel secure in relationships, we tend to act in ways that are contradictory. On one hand, I want to be loved. But on the other hand, the fear of being hurt again suffocates me. I was unable to feel safe, no matter what I chose.
You’re Clingy, Yet Distant
I so desperately wanted to be loved (because I believed that equaled safety) that I’d attach almost immediately. But when I got what I thought I “wanted,” the internal fire alarm kicked in, and I’d go into self-protection mode. Like a turtle going back into its shell, I’d pull away or shut down.
You’re Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
As you haven’t been able to rely on love and support from those closest to you, when you do get it from another, you just can’t trust it. You expect history to repeat itself. This lull of fear can cause you to pre-emptively end relationships before you get hurt again.
You Have An Unstable Sense Of Self
You were unable to develop a solid sense of self growing up because you spent so long adjusting and readjusting to those around you. I became a chameleon. I was shape-shifting into whatever the other person wanted me to be, and as an adult, I really didn’t know who I was.
Meaningful Intimacy Means Danger
Intimacy is a form of vulnerability. And being vulnerable hasn’t been safe for us. Some keep it superficial because a deeper commitment feels more unsafe. Others may just avoid it.
Boundaries Can Go Either Way
The fear of getting hurt can cause you to build either impenetrable walls or paper fences. I was the latter, allowing almost anything and everything. I was subconsciously terrified of being rejected or discarded.
Impulse Control Is Challenging
Having not learned how to healthily regulate emotions, you may have gotten into the habit of soothing them unhealthily. Before I learned to self-regulate, my emotions would become so painful that I’d impulsively find ways to block them out.
Learn How To Self-Soothe, And Heal A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
I truly never thought I’d ever be able to change or heal my inner wounds until I began to take healing seriously. These practices continue to help me self-soothe as well as heal the disorganised attachment in me, and I hope they can help you do the same:
Become Aware Of Your Patterns And Behaviours
Now that we’re adults, we need to become aware that the patterns that once helped us now hurt us. Once you bring those internal hazards into the light, you take the first step towards taking back control.
Practise Self-Compassion For Having A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Be gentle with yourself. This can be so hard, I know. We can be our own worst critics. But remind yourself that you became this way because of your external environment. When we’re children, our behaviours can be a normal response to abnormal circumstances. You need to know that it was not your fault. You acted in the only way you knew how at the time to feel safe.
Work Through Your Trauma
Your past really can influence your present if you remain unaware of its effect. Have a read of my post, “Past Trauma: How to Let Go And Move Towards A Happier You.” I discuss how I’ve been working through my past trauma to break free of its grip.
If You Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style, Choose The Opposite
The funny thing is, for those of us who are insecurely attached, we tend to choose “partners that induce fear.” This is because it feels familiar, even if it makes the issue worse. Becoming conscious of this pattern can help you better identify red flags. So now, when I feel the pull towards a familiar yet unhealthy choice, I remind myself to use my values, not my emotions, to make decisions.
Learn To Self-Regulate
Once you open up Pandora’s box (it doesn’t have to be this big!) of core wounds that made you disorganised in the first place, it can be unsettling. For both your emotional state and nervous system. Learning how to re-regulate is essential. You need to self-soothe. I ride the wave out and calm the internal storm with practices discussed throughout the blog and on the “my tools” page.
These are just a few things that can help you move towards a secure attachment. Venture out. Trial and error. See what works for you.
Remember, styles are learned. Which gives hope that they can be unlearned.
What are your thoughts on the fearful-avoidant attachment style? Do you think you struggle with this too? I’d love to hear your story and your views. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
