Last week, we learned about the anxious attachment. This week’s post is about the second of the three insecure attachment forms: the avoidant attachment style. Once I learned about this one, I started to feel confused. “Wait, I have avoidant traits, too?” But again, this one doesn’t quite fit the bill either. In this post, you’ll learn:
- What the avoidant attachment style is.
- How you develop this style.
- Signs you have an avoidant attachment.
- How to start healing from it.
What Is An Avoidant Attachment Style?
*Side note: It’s helpful to get an idea of what attachment theory is. I discussed it in my securely attached post. It’ll help you better understand where the styles came from.
Surprise Surprise, those avoidantly attached are the opposites of the anxious. They, too, fear rejection and getting hurt. Yet, instead of gripping onto a relationship (romantic or otherwise), they tend to keep it at arm’s length. They’ve found safety in hyper-independence and danger in vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
How Is An Avoidant Attachment Developed?
We’re all born with that drive to connect. But growing up in an environment where your caregiver is present but your needs are unmet can result in an avoidant attachment. However, developing this style isn’t solely limited to childhood experiences. You can also become more avoidantly attached after experiencing adverse circumstances as an adult.
Examples of how we can become avoidantly attached include:
If A Child Is Raised By An Emotionally Distant Or Neglectful Caregiver
When caregivers respond and validate their child’s emotional needs, the child develops trust that if they are vulnerable with another, they’ll be met with love. This teaches them that it is safe to be vulnerable. If caregivers repeatedly dismiss or invalidate their child’s feelings, they are more likely to fear opening up to anyone. After a while, I just gave up trying to be heard.
If A Child Needs Are Met, But Sporadically
A caregiver does meet their child’s needs, but these occurrences are few and far between. The uncertainty and instability of this teach the child that people are unpredictable and can’t be relied upon. They end up believing that the only person they can trust is themselves. And as adults, they can become hyper-independent, as that’s when they feel the most safe.
If A Child Is Held To Unreasonably High Standards
Perfect does not exist, but if a child is expected to reach such standards, they’ll believe it does. If caregivers continually pressure a child to be the impossible, the child will continually feel inadequate. Those feelings of shame and resentment towards oneself can result in unhealthy drives for perfectionism as an adult.
If A Caregiver Responds To Their Child With A “Tough-It-Up” Attitude
If a child tries to share their pain with their caregiver and is only met with a harsh, dismissive response, the child will begin to think of vulnerability as a weakness. And as an adult, this can cause them to behave in a colder, less compassionate way towards others in their vulnerable moments.
It’s also common for those who are insecurely attached to act similarly to how their caregivers did, because they know no different. For example, not only does relying on someone trigger you, but having them want to rely on you will also cause you to feel uncomfortable. It’s vice versa.
Signs You Have An Avoidant Attachment
Here are a few traits that are common in those who have an avoidant attachment style:
Emotions Are A No No
Having not learned how to understand, feel, and cope with emotions, those avoidantly attached tend to dismiss or block them. Not only this, but because of that lack of emotional intelligence, they don’t get that feelings are important, not only for themselves but for those around them. Which can also cause them to behave cold and distant. But the inability to emotionally connect with others only makes the problem worse.
Meaningful Intimacy Means Danger
Intimacy is a form of vulnerability. And being vulnerable hasn’t been safe for the avoidantly attached. Some keep it superficial because anything deeper feels more unsafe. Others may just avoid it. Since reflecting, I can see where I mistook superficial affection for meaning and love. Not just from the other person, but from what I was giving.
Conflict Can Cause You To Bail When You Have An Avoidant Attachment
Confrontation can trigger your fear response because of your inability to healthily manage conflict. The overwhelming feelings can cause you to shut down or bolt.
Asking For Help Or Depending On Others Is Low On Your List
Having learned that others can’t be depended on, you became good at taking care of yourself because you had to. So, there isn’t a strong drive to reach out to another for support or care. Even though I reached out to others, it was more “What can I do for you?”. But when it came to my own needs, I didn’t feel safe asking anyone; I was so used to fending for myself.
Feeling Needed Is Too Much
Because avoidantly attached people cherish their freedom and autonomy, feeling responsible for someone else can feel restrictive and overwhelming. The fear that their independence could be lost causes them to avoid people or situations where there’s pressure to be relied upon.
Overemphasize External Success
As your internal world has been made to feel weak, you realise that focusing on the external and excelling there makes you feel strong. But the overconfidence and false sense of superiority you hold can be a form of protection or a mask for the inner lack of self-worth you feel.
More signs can be found here
This isn’t a be-all-end-all list of traits. I believe that attachment styles can be on a spectrum. You could be avoidantly attached in some areas and with certain people and then not with others. Or you could display some, but not all, signs of an avoidant attachment.
Learn How To Self-Soothe, And Heal An Avoidant Attachment Style
The following practices can help you self-soothe as well as heal the avoidantly attached in you:
Become Aware Of Your Patterns And Behaviours
When we’re children, our behaviours can be a normal response to abnormal circumstances. You need to know that it was not your fault. You acted in the only way you knew how at the time. But now we’re adults, and the patterns that once helped us now hurt us. Once you bring those internal hazards into the light, you take the first step towards becoming more secure.
Practise Self-Compassion For Having An Avoidant Attachment
Be gentle with yourself. This can be so hard, I know. Those who are avoidantly attached often struggle with the impossibly high standards they set for themselves. Which can make you your own worst critic. Building compassion for the reality that you aren’t perfect can help you embrace it.
Learn How To Self-Regulate Your Avoidant Attachment
Once you open up Pandora’s box (it doesn’t have to be this big!) of core wounds that made you avoidantly attached in the first place, it can be unsettling. For both your emotional state and nervous system. Learning how to re-regulate is essential. You need to self-soothe instead of supressing or avoiding what comes up. I ride the wave out and calm the internal storm with practices discussed throughout the blog and on the “my tools” page.
Increase Vulnerability And Trust
This idea can seem terrifying. So start small, but the key is to start. Journaling was where I began. I learned to be vulnerable with the person I had been hiding from the most (me); realising it was safe to do so. I wasn’t punished or dismissed. Instead, I was listened to with love and compassion. Take a look at my “journaling” post. It might help (and let me know if it does!). Or maybe share what you’re feeling or thinking with someone who genuinely cares about you. Witnessing their acceptance of you has a ripple effect on realising that there are people you can trust.
These are just a few things that can help you move towards a secure attachment. Venture out. Trial and error. See what works for you.
Remember, styles are learned. Which gives hope that they can be unlearned.
What are your thoughts on the avoidant attachment style? Do you think you are avoidantly attached? I’d love to hear your story and your views. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
