Sense of self. This has been a challenging one for me to write. When I stopped to actually think about how I see myself, I was stuck. It became painfully clear that I really had no strong sense of who I was.
What is the self?
Sense of self relates to your self-image—what makes you, you. So many of us are too busy or unaware to take the time to reflect on what characteristics genuinely feed our soul, allowing us to be our authentic selves. One of the many branches of my healing tree is developing an unwavering sense of self, so I can finally know who I am.
I now realise you can’t be who the world wants you to be and be happy. It’s vital to have a strong sense of self. It becomes your internal compass for what you truly believe—your honest likes and dislikes, your traits and values, your uniqueness.
What unhealthy behaviours can result from lack of self?
Reflecting back on my life so far, I feel sad that I have never really had a solid idea of who I am. I would agree with everyone, even if they contradicted each other, because I didn’t want anyone to dislike me. I would never voice my true feelings because I didn’t want anyone to judge me. If something was asked of me, I would do it blindly. I would constantly seek reassurance and validation to feel like I was doing things right. This is also one of the characteristics of EID, known as identity diffusion. As there is an intense need for external validation and to feel safe, you adjust yourself to suit the situation and the person(s) you are with. There is no clarity of who you really are. But no one’s true identity changes like this. It’s meant to be the part of you that’s unchanging.
What can influence how your sense of self is developed?
The development of your core identity is heavily influenced by your environment. During childhood, kids are starting to find their voice. If that voice is suppressed or shamed, they quickly believe it’s safer to stay quiet and mould to how their caregivers want them to be.
I think a lot of my internal struggles stem from my childhood, where love was always conditional, even if it wasn’t meant to be. I learned what needed to be done and who I needed to be to feel safe and good enough. Loved. This isn’t the only factor responsible for my unsteady sense of self, but I believe it was the catalyst. When your foundations are unstable, whatever structure you build thereafter will be vulnerable.
Is it possible to rebuild your sense of self?
However, I’ve now realised that I am not my past; it doesn’t get to define how I see myself now. Once you understand this, you begin to learn how to be your true self, regardless of the world around you.
What is shadow work?
It was clear that I needed to peel back the layers of my past and address my emotional wounds so that healing could take place. I came across shadow work while googling for ways to heal the inner child. It is a form of psychotherapy developed by Carl Jung. He believed everyone has a “shadow” self, the fragmented parts of your personality that you internalise and fail to acknowledge. By bringing them to the forefront, you can process and accept all parts of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts.
Be brave to look within!
This idea intrigued me. Could I really be ok with all of me? Could I really be brave enough to open that Pandora’s box? Let me tell you, I’m glad I did. It’s been fascinating to actually make sense of certain beliefs and behaviours I had and how they came to be. You become aware of what helps you and what hurts you, so that you can consciously change course when needed.
How do you weaken your sense of self?
Not only this, but my need for external validation (particularly male) weakened my authentic self. I was so fixated on my need to please and feel worthy that I changed my values and opinions to line up with what the new man I was dating believed. And in those moments, even though I felt it was me, there was always a whisper of, This is not me. I found it hard to have boundaries with anyone. They would say “jump,” and I would say “how high?”
What are the benefits of working on yourself?
I’m now working to develop my self-worth. I am no longer harsh or judgmental towards myself, but compassionate and kind. Positive affirmations and loving self-talk really help me wade through the ups and downs I, like everyone else, face. They remind me of what I’m worthy of and how I deserve to be me. This has also helped me grow a positive mindset. Since seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses and being grateful every day, I’m reminded of the good in my life—for me and by me. It helps keep you motivated and focused on your “why”.
It’s ok to be a work-in-progress!
At the moment, there are still times when I feel self-conscious around others and feel that need to be liked. But then I consciously halt this way of thinking and began channelling a sense of who cares! When you release that need to feel good enough for others, you feel lighter and more confident because you already know how amazing you are, inside and out.
And the only person who needs to know this is you.
Do you know who you are? What helps you connect to your sense of self? Let me know in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
To learn more about the importance of a strong sense of self check out Sense of Self: Why It’s Important and How to Develop It (psychcentral.com)
