Some of us are limitlessly compassionate towards the world around us, but we severely lack that level of compassion for ourselves. I still am, on some level, one of those people (but I’ve gotten so much better!) Before I started working on myself, self-compassion felt sinful to me. I think so many gentle souls can understand this feeling. But there came a point when I was just sick of being my own worst enemy, and I’ve now realise just how essential it is for us and our healing.
Throughout this post, you’ll learn:
- What self-compassion is and why it’s key to our overall happiness
- How it actually differs from self-esteem
- What can cause a lack of self-compassion
- How to begin building self-compassion
What Is Self-Compassion, And Why Is It Essential?
Self-compassion is where we take that caring and compassionate lens that we see those we love through and turn it inward. According to Dr. Kirsten Neff, this type of compassion is practiced with three elements in mind: “mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.”
- Being mindful when we struggle helps separate us from the painful thoughts and emotions that come up, so that we are better equipped to support ourselves through by accepting them without drowning in them.
2. Becoming aware of our common humanity is key to embracing self-compassion. Whenever I was aware of a flaw or mistake, I zoned into this isolating lie, believing I was the only one to make this mistake or to be this broken. But the truth is that we all have imperfections and we all make mistakes; it’s what connects us to each other, which helps us feel less alone.
3. And self-kindness is exactly that. You are kind to yourself. You talk to yourself the same way you would when supporting someone you care about, like a friend or a family member, with the same language, tone, and compassion. Many of us are our own worst critics, but in order to actually experience the love we give to the world, we have to practice self-compassion.
No, It Isn’t The Same As Self-Esteem
It’s been interesting to see how my views and perceptions have changed since starting my journey. In the early stages, I believed aiming for high self-esteem was what would grow my self-worth. I grouped these terms (self-esteem, self-love, self-compassion, and self-worth) together and assumed they were all one in the same. But it turns out that, despite their overlap, they are unique. With self-compassion being the key to building a more unshakable sense of worth and a deeper core of self-love,.
Self-esteem is “felt inside but is influenced by lots of things and lots of people.” Factors, both internal and external, can build or break our self-esteem. Yes, it’s important, because higher self-esteem helps us build our internal value and worth. But without self-compassion to remind us that we are humanly imperfect and that’s ok, our self-esteem becomes vulnerable. We can be less resilient to our setbacks. Whereas self-compassion is a mindful practice—to talk to ourselves like we would a friend and disrupt our inner critic—so that we can learn to embrace our flaws and objectively grow from our mistakes. From this, our self-love and worth can grow.
Why Do Some Of Us Lack Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion can feel so foreign, and the reason some of us may lack it is personal to each of us. Which is why I always encourage taking the time and putting the work in to understand what caused your self-talk to become a certain way. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll see I’m a big believer that the unhealthy behaviours and patterns we exhibit in adulthood have most likely stemmed from past traumas experienced and unhealthy lessons learned in childhood. That’s not to say that more recent traumas do not affect us, because they do! And we can learn toxic habits in adulthood too, because the mind is plastic.
So, here are just a few reasons (that I found in myself) that may explain why you struggle with self-compassion:
Showing self-compassion to myself was a negative and painful experience
More people than we realise grew up in less-than-loving environments, whether it was intentional or not. Growing up with a “pull yourself together” attitude, learning how to give ourselves compassion wasn’t taught or encouraged. And the majority of the time, for me, was punished. We see it as self-pity, selfishness, or a sign of self-centeredness. We can end up feeling embarrassed or overly sensitive for giving ourselves compassion.
Fear of thoughts or feelings prevents self-compassion
Before I worked on self-regulation, I was terrified of my mind. Constantly on guard against the negative thoughts and feelings that could flood in. This fear caused continual resistance to letting them in because I couldn’t tolerate the discomfort they brought. But this never-ending battle prevented me from being self-compassionate.
Too much criticism, too little self-worth
Lack of self-worth is sadly a prominent reason why so many of us just don’t speak or generally treat ourselves kindly. We can mirror how others treat us. If we’re treated harshly, where our flaws are constantly highlighted and we’re beaten down for doing something “wrong,” we’ll continue to follow that narrative until we realise that it’s actually not healthy for us. I berated myself for the majority of my life because I believed that’s just how it was supposed to be.
How To Practise Self-Compassion
- Be aware and disrupt the critical voice inside as often as you can. When you notice you’re talking to yourself harshly, recognise it and explain to yourself why you don’t do that anymore.
2. You know, when you’re with someone you care about and they’re putting themselves down, You stop them and say, “Hey, come on, don’t talk to yourself like that.” We need to apply this to ourselves. Practice talking to yourself the way you would to them, with the same tone and language. You may not think your subconscious is paying attention, but trust me, it is.
3. As self-compassion isn’t about rejecting our struggles or our discomfort, meditation truly does help to settle the mental storm and allow us to feel the flow of emotions from a more rational and calm perspective. Mindful meditation is especially good for self-compassion (such as “loving kindness”) because it helps us grant ourselves the empathy we deserve.
There are more practices that can help build our self-compassion. With many being found throughout this blog and online.
When you realise you’ve wasted so much time criticising yourself, you’re willing to try something different.
Did you or do you struggle with self-compassion? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
