This week’s post marks the first instalment of a 4-part series on attachment. Attachment theory and attachment styles sparked a fascination in me a while back when I started dating. Relationships can open the floodgates to past traumas and unconscious patterns, and the insight into the four styles helped me connect the dots. It was painfully clear that I was not securely attached to anyone, including myself.
I do want you all to know that I am not a psychologist or professional in this field. My words are personal to me and what I’ve learned. But I hope they crack open the door to better understanding yourself.
What Even Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles evolved from the Attachment Theory. A framework created by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He determined that we all enter this world with an instinctive pull to emotionally bond and form attachments to ensure our survival. These early connections shape our “future emotional health and relationships.”
American psychologist Mary Ainsworth then expanded Bowlby’s work through the “Strange Situation Test,” resulting in the attachment styles. The aim of the experiments was to witness how an infant explored the world around them in the presence of their mother as well as in the presence of a stranger. During the test, there would be a period where the baby was completely alone, and the key was to observe the baby’s behaviour in the absence of their mother and their response when their mother returned. These reactions would determine what style the baby was exhibiting.
What Is A Secure Attachment Style?
This is the healthiest form of attachment, and it makes navigating adult relationships and connections much easier than those with an insecure attachment. During the “Strange Situation Test,” you could see the distress these children felt when their mothers left them and their quick ability to reregulate when their mothers returned. This was because their mother’s presence gave them a core sense of comfort, safety, and stability. With this, they seemed more confident to venture away from mum to explore their surroundings.
How Do We Become Securely Attached?
When we’re babies, we haven’t learned societal ideals or rules of etiquette. When we have a need, we fuss and cry. We expect that need to be met. For example, if a baby is hungry, they signal they need food, and then they expect to be fed. When their needs are consistently fulfilled, they develop the belief that their needs are worthy of being met.
More examples of how we become securely attached include:
When a baby is upset, their emotional pain signals their caregiver to reassure and comfort them. This helps manage their emotional levels, so that over time, children learn to soothe and regulate themselves.
A baby is valued and cherished from the very beginning. This helps them develop a core sense of self and worth. They don’t need to earn value or worthiness; they are loved for just being.
Although it can be overwhelming to take in the endless “musts” and “shoulds” that will give children the best chance at becoming securely attached, I think the fundamentals are universal. The child should feel “safe, seen, and valued” for who they are, not what they do.
I also think witnessing secure attachments is important. When babies see their caregivers healthily attached to one another (for the most part), it helps them feel safe in the environment they’re immersed in and gives them a healthy ideal of how connections should be.
Signs You Are Securely Attached
Here are a few traits that are common in those that have a secure attachment style;
Trusting others isn’t difficult
Reliable caregivers helped you develop the belief that people, in general, can be relied upon. Your view of fellow humans is, for the most part, hopeful and safe.
Being securely attached means intimacy doesn’t cause you to pull away or grip on
Being securely attached makes it easy for you to welcome intimacy safely. Growing up, your emotional needs were met with compassionate embraces. That closeness gave you a sense of “safety, trust, and comfort.” So as an adult, intimacy becomes a naturally expected form of loving care that you don’t pull away from or grip onto.
Spending time alone doesn’t trigger fears that the relationship will end or that the person you’re spending time away from will leave you
Having practiced venturing away from your ‘base’ throughout childhood and still knowing you can come right back helps you feel secure in your independence as an adult. And as such, encourage those in your life to do the same.
You have a deep sense of worth
And not in an inflated, egoistical way. It’s an innate belief that you deserve to feel loved and valued in this world simply because you exist.
You also don’t take criticism as a personal attack on your self-worth
But as an opportunity to assess its validity and grow where needed. This ability to welcome criticism often comes from an upbringing where feedback was given in such a way that you still felt loved regardless of when you needed guidance, helping you see it as a benefit rather than a punishment.
Emotions don’t overwhelm you
Growing up where your emotions were validated and comforted while being shown how to manage them helped you see that even though feelings can be painful, you can wade them out through self-compassion.
This isn’t the be-all-end-all list of traits. I believe that attachment styles can be on a spectrum. You could be securely attached in some areas and then insecurely attached in others. Or you could display some, but not all, signs of a secure attachment.
Is It Possible To Become Securely Attached In Adulthood?
I did not have a secure attachment style growing up, and this was evident in my relationships with everyone. Being a master of masks, the majority of people did not know, but inside I was riddled with insecurity. Which made it impossible to be securely attached to anyone, including myself.
But the journey I am on has made me determined to change my fate. Holding on to the belief that we can develop a secure attachment as adults is what gives me hope.
Yes, we are born with the need for connection, but we are not born with an attachment style. This is conditioned into us. Which means it can be reconditioned. This silver lining can give you the push you need to face this mission head-on. It can be long and painful work, but to finally live securely attached to the world and, more importantly, to yourself, is worth the wait.
What are your thoughts on the attachment theory and the secure attachment style? Do you think you are securely attached? I’d love to hear your story and your views. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
Fascinating read.
There was a segment on James O’Brien LBC on parenting and physical contact in terms of showing love etc and the scars it can leave.
Great listen and hard to listen to people’s stories too.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Totally. It can be painful to hear what others have gone through. I do find, though, that it can help us feel less alone in our own struggles. That there are others out there who “get” it.
It’s good it’s becoming more a discussion because then hopefully we can better ourselves, not just as parents (because I’m not one!) But as fellows humans, to each other (yes I know that’s cheesy)
[…] note: It’s helpful to get an idea of what attachment theory is. I discussed it in my last post. It’ll help you better understand where the styles came […]
[…] note: It’s helpful to get an idea of what attachment theory is. I discussed it in my securely attached post. It’ll help you better understand where the styles came […]
[…] helpful to first understand what attachment theory is. I discuss it in more depth on my securely attached post. But for some […]