When we take the time to really look in and be honest with ourselves, we can see all the ways we’ve been hurting ourselves, putting ourselves second, and keeping ourselves stuck in devaluing cycles. It’s painful to face these cycles, but it is also necessary if we ever want to break them. This introspection helped open my eyes to the pathological people-pleaser I had been for so long.
What is a pathological people-pleaser?
We’ve all done things to please another. We’ve all had moments where we prioritised someone else above ourselves because we are innately social creatures. This habitual instinct dates back to the days we lived in tribes and needed to be accepted to literally survive.
But being a pathological people-pleaser is something different. It’s something far more self-destructive. The word ‘pathological’, in non-medical terms, means “a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal” (as defined by Merriam-Webster). And I was just that. Someone whose first and only priority was to people-please. And as a recovering pathological people-pleaser, I can say we become consumed by the need for external validation, making us unable to validate ourselves.
We stay stuck in the distorted belief that we are not enough or that we are innately worthless. We become convinced that people pleasing will grant us our worth. But the more we heal this wound, the more we see that this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Signs you may be a pathological people-pleaser
Here are some traits I had as a pathological people-pleaser. Maybe you can relate. Try to be gentle on yourself. These patterns tend to be out of our awareness and happen on autopilot.
Saying no is near impossible
Even if I did have to say no, I’d find a roundabout way to let them down. Taking a lot more of my energy and time than being direct. I didn’t realise that “no” was already a complete sentence.
Fear of being put on the spot
I knew that if someone asked something of me on the spot, I’d jump to a yes without even thinking about what I was saying yes to. Even at times, not letting the person finish asking what they were asking.
Letting people down triggers a physiological reaction in you
Even just the thought of letting someone down would cause my chest to constrict, my heart to race, and a pit in my stomach. Saying no to someone would trigger physiological fear.
Being a pathological people-pleaser can mean boundaries are non-existent
I had never been taught that I was worthy of boundaries, let alone what they were.
You nod along with things you don’t even agree with
I wasn’t just a ‘yes’ person, but I would hide what I really thought. If someone made a joke that I didn’t like, I’d laugh. If someone had a view I didn’t agree with, I’d betray my own opinion and nod along. For me, disagreeing meant danger.
If you ask something for yourself, you feel immense guilt
Asking someone for something caused me to feel like, “How dare I.” I’d profusely apologise. And if that guilt became too unbearable, I’d end up just doing it myself. Which only led to resentment.
You compare and always end up short
I’d always believed I wasn’t as good as those around me. My mind would look for confirmation of this warped belief by comparing myself to everyone.
Criticisms and compliments can be equally triggering
If someone said anything remotely critical, I would take it as proof that I was as worthless as I thought. And if someone said anything remotely complimentary, I’d retract because I didn’t want to hear something I so clearly believed was untrue.
You’re a master of masks
I’d feel pressure to constantly be happy or nice all the time. Even if I was feeling crap inside. It was a subconscious move to ensure people stayed happy with me.
Being a pathological people-pleaser can cause personality shifts
I believed fitting in with anyone and everyone kept me safe. So I ended up being a social chameleon.
How do we become a pathological people-pleaser?
People pleasing is a form of fawning, which is one of the 4 fear/trauma responses. Which is why when fawning is this severe, there is often a root cause. Sometimes there are multiple roots. For a lot of us, it can be trauma—and more specifically, chronic childhood trauma. (Just a reminder that trauma is subjective. Something that may not seem like a lot to you may be deeply damaging to another.) If we fawn enough times throughout our more critical years, then it stands to reason this becomes our default response.
I spent so much of my time trying to find safety in the chaos. To feel worthy enough that I actually deserved to feel safe. I quickly learnt that keeping others happy was my way in. When I was pleasing others, the voices would quieten, the abuse would stop, and for those short moments, I wasn’t forgotten.
It’s not only what happens to us but what happens around us. As kids, we learn how to be in this world by watching the world. I watched as one parent fawned over another. So much of their focus was pleasing others. And as an impressionable child, I watched attentively, and this became my blueprint.
Why we need to heal our people-pleasing?
What I’ve come to realise throughout my healing, is that trying to find our worth in others is an impossible feat. Our worth cannot be given to us. It is not a reward we earn, or a prize to be won; it is something we can only give to ourselves. It is something we each innately have, because we are here.
The moment we are born, we are worthy.
Can you relate to people-pleasing like this? How do you heal from it? I’d love to hear your story. Reach out in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
Ways you can start healing this hurtful pattern can be found here Recovering People Pleaser? 10 Tips to Help You Say No
