We all have an inner critic. The voice inside, that can beat us down when we make a mistake or feel insecure about ourselves. For some of us, though, this voice can be especially harsh. For as long as I could remember, my inner critic was relentless. Like a virus, it infected my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. My core self was moulded in the image of self-hate.
Having spent countless years with an unforgiving inner critic. I now know the pain it causes will not end unless you become aware and start doing the work to rewrite your internal script.
Where Does Our Inner Critic Stem From?
It’s no secret; I’m a firm believer that how we show up in our adult lives, both internally and externally, stems from past experiences we’ve been through and/or witnessed. And for me, a lot has stemmed from the adverse experiences I’ve had throughout my childhood. If our foundations are shaky, then anything we build thereafter will be more vulnerable.
Until we’re adults, we rely on those close to us, predominantly our family unit, for almost everything. It’s a primitive desire for survival. We expect them to love us unconditionally. To help us feel seen and heard. To help programme into our core that we, as we are, are enough. No more, no less.
But if we’re raised in an environment that shames, overly criticises, punishes, and even abuses us, then that is the message we internalise. That is the treatment we programme into our core. And over time, it distorts our innate perception of ourselves.
The Consequences Of Having A Harsh Inner Voice
The repercussions of having a harsh inner critic are countless and profound, with many being found at integrishealth.org. But one of the saddest consequences is its ability to make us believe that we are completely useless. It was such an embedded belief of mine that I was useless and worthless that, for 29 years, I berated and ripped myself apart for the tiniest imperfection or slip-up. Feeling at my core, a mistake.
Does The Inner Critic Have A Purpose?
Having done a lot of self-exploration and healing, I’ve been able to understand how my inner critic came to be so ruthless. At the time when we needed to feel safe the most, we would mirror back to ourselves how others treated us. And in some backwards kind of way, our subconscious began using it as a coping mechanism, a way to feel in control. If we spoke to ourselves badly, then anything out “there” wouldn’t be a surprise. We wouldn’t be caught off guard.
This also explains why support and praise from others can be anxiety-inducing for those of us not used to it. Ironically, it can feel safer for our nervous system to be in familiar pain than in unfamiliar pleasure. But being an adult with an inner critic that still makes you feel undeserving and unworthy of your place in this world is no longer helpful.
Shift Your Relationship With Your Inner Critic
We all have an inner voice. In the words of Dr. Caroline Leaf, “You can go three weeks without food, three days without water, three minutes without oxygen, but you don’t even go three seconds without using your mind.” And how we use our minds will determine how severe that critical voice becomes.
What I’ve realised is that the more you try to shut it out from a place of anger or fear, the louder it becomes. Telling yourself off for criticising yourself just adds to the critical load you carry. And panicking when your inner critic speaks up only gives your mind and body more reasons to be afraid of it.
Approach Your Inner Voice With Understanding
I’ve found that approaching our inner critic from a place of compassion and kindness helps unveil the little version of ourselves that hides behind the insidious beast of self-criticism. To see my inner child, frightened and in pain, shifts my perspective. I no longer see the inner critic as “law,” but as a programmed voice from a very painful past. This fact helps me become the protector that little lady always wanted. The supporter who would make her feel enough. The parent who would love her always. And to let her know that she is not alone, believing we can acknowledge and allow that critical voice to dissipate, together.
Visualisation Is Powerful
I’ve also found that pairing this compassionate self-talk with visualisation makes it a powerful duo. For example, if someone treats me badly and I can feel the self-hate creeping in, I take some deep breaths and visualise my little self, hearing and feeling this (because deep down, that’s who’s hurting the most). I no longer get caught up in what was said and turn to her. I bend down to her level and start gently talking her through it.
“It’s ok, darling, I know it hurts; you’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling. But I also want you to feel in your heart that the thoughts you are thinking about yourself are from all the past traumas you so bravely had to endure, not facts. You are safe, you have always been worthy, you have always been loved, and you have always been enough.” I then hug her so tightly as she sobs into my shoulder. I remind her that she is never alone in facing this inner voice because she has me,
always and forever.
Can you relate to having a harsh inner critic? How do you overcome it? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment of just fill out a contact form!
