I used to find it impossible to set boundaries of any kind.
Growing up, my mind was moulded to a perspective of life that was: do what is asked of you at all times. Life was about knowing “my” place. Inevitably, I ended up putting myself at the back of the queue and developing no self-worth.
What are boundaries?
These are the personal limits we set for ourselves and others in order to feel safe.
I knew I lacked healthy boundaries because whenever I betrayed mine, a whisper inside cried out, “Faith, please love yourself more than this.” I now know this was my gut trying to save me. But I silenced her.
I believed I had to please in order to feel loved. But this wasn’t love. These were people mirroring back how I felt about myself, which was nothing.
Examples of poor boundaries
- Difficulty in asking for what you want or need.
- Struggle to say no.
- A go-with-the-flow attitude.
- Struggle to cope with emotions, often feeling overwhelmed from suppressing them.
- Staying in relationships even if you’re unhappy.
- Feeling responsible for the happiness of others, and if they’re unhappy, you feel guilty.
- Give too much information to the wrong people.
All of which I have struggled with since developing more awareness of how my past has affected me, I have been able to understand where my lack of personal boundaries has stemmed from.
Why Is It Important To Learn How To Set Boundaries?
If we don’t set boundaries, we end up feeling used, and I did. But regardless of the other parties involved, the bottom line is that I didn’t set them. I have now learned and will continue to learn that boundaries are not selfish; they are essential. And it’s our responsibility to implement them.
Signs You Never Learned How To Set Boundaries
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all reason, but poor boundaries are commonly caused by past traumas. For example, If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, you most likely didn’t learn what healthy boundaries looked like. Because of this, as you grew into adults, it felt almost impossible to defend yourself and your boundaries in new situations because you didn’t believe your needs were important.
How To Set Boundaries?
You need to be ready to self-reflect and accept responsibility for how you have put yourself last. You have to be willing to set boundaries. I am constantly finding myself in new situations internally, saying,
“OK, time to set a boundary,” but it can still feel difficult. The following advice can help.
Learning How To Set Boundaries Will Feel Unnatural. Ease yourself into it
I remember telling my mum that I couldn’t pick someone up at the airport because I had commitments, which even caused me feelings of guilt. But I would have chucked my commitments out the window in the past. Celebrate the small wins.
Practice, practice, practice
The more I set boundaries, the quicker I’m realising when they’re needed.
Pay attention to your emotions and your gut feeling
Try not to push them away. Instead, listen. Ask yourself, “What emotion/s am I feeling?” “What’s causing this?” “What needs to be done so I feel happier or more at peace?” This helps you see when you’re doing something you’re really not happy with.
Ask yourself why you’re setting the boundary in the first place
This really helps to keep you focused on doing what’s right for you. Whether it’s visualizing how much better you’ll feel standing up for yourself. Or repeating a mantra to yourself, like “I deserve to put myself first,” whenever you feel self-critical for speaking up.
Explain why the boundary is needed
Explain to whomever you’re setting the boundary and why you’re putting it in place. Why is it important to you? This can help give the other person a more compassionate understanding of why you need it.
Accept when a boundary is set for you
It’s not just us who have the right to set a boundary; others, too. Acknowledge, accept, and understand when another is brave enough to do so.
Keep explanations short and sweet
If I did set a boundary, I felt such guilt that I would overexplain to be sure that person wasn’t upset. It can be tough not to do this, but it’s empowering to sometimes just say “no thanks.” They aren’t owed an explanation, so you don’t need to give one.
Try not to overshare
I wore my heart on my sleeve, and I still do (to some extent), but I realised that oversharing caused me to feel overly vulnerable, especially when they didn’t care how I thought they would. Try and save the sensitive stuff for those you feel safe with.
We Learn How To Set Boundaries By Stepping back from people who aren’t respecting Them
This can be difficult, especially if the person has been in your life for a while, such as a friend, family member, or partner. But if you don’t, you end up feeling drained and hurt from not putting your needs first and allowing one-sidedness to continue.
You’ll get there
I’ve been healing for a while now, and I’m still learning to set boundaries instinctively.
Since starting my healing journey, glimmers of strength have started to override my need to allow others to say and do whatever they want to me.
I’m not at full force yet, so I thought if this was (and still is sometimes) a challenge for me, it must be for someone else. Let’s make sense of it together.
It’ll take time and intentionality to break such an embedded pattern.
But it’s possible.
How are you with setting boundaries? Do you think it is something you need to work on? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment, or fill out a contact form!
For more ideas on how to set boundaries check out How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Foster Good Relationships (verywellhealth.com)
