Sometimes it’s hard to admit we feel envious. To admit we desire something from another can induce feelings of shame. And for me, it reminds me that I still don’t feel good enough, at least not completely anyway. Thankfully, at the same time, I’m grateful this emotion shows up. Because it reminds me that this is something to work on. I want to figure out how to overcome envy for me.
What Is Envy?
So according to Psychology Today, envy needs three conditions to grow:
- Coming across someone with something we perceive we don’t have (for example, another’s wealth or another’s beauty).
- We desire this for ourselves.
- This desire triggers emotional discomfort that knowingly or unknowingly brings out our own wounds.
Despite the overlap and confusion, envy differs from jealousy. Jealousy is worrying someone will take what you have, and envy is wanting what someone else has.
Why Do We Feel Envious?
Our reasons why we feel envy are subjective. We all have desires that are unique, some similar, and some different. But they tend to make us all feel inferior because it causes us to believe we are missing something; yet another has found it.
For me, seeing people in relationships causes a lot of envy, and even more so if the man triggers inner wounds in me.
Discovering where that envy truly stems from, I believe, is key to learning how to overcome envy. Taking the time to unpack and understand my traumas has made it heartbreakingly clear that the envy I feel, especially around the longing for a relationship, stems from believing I am innately not good enough as I am. I am worthless.
Learn How To Overcome Envy
It is equally important to learn how to overcome envy. As the saying goes, knowing is half the battle. There came a point where I could reason my way through the envy all I wanted, but it wasn’t changing the fact that it was now a problem. Affecting my mood, my perception of others, and just darkening the energy I wanted to give myself and the world.
For me, I’m learning to overcome envy through the following practices and mindsets. I hope they encourage you, in whatever they can:
Work On Healing Why You Feel Envious
Once you find out what drives the envy you feel, you can start to work through why. I continue to do this through journaling and reflective writing. The more I work through the experiences that reinforced my lack of self-worth, the more I can see that envy is not who I am but a side effect of traumas’ past.
Re-regulate
I won’t sugar-coat it; bringing these shadows into the light can feel intense and, at times, excruciating. So learning how to better regulate emotions, such as envy, when it stirs up can be one of your biggest lifelines. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to cope with my feelings until I made the conscious effort to learn self-regulation.
Not only does emotional regulation grant us more peace, but learning how to sit with our emotions and wade out the storm helps us make better, kinder choices. I can give myself crucial seconds to see why the envy is being triggered instead of impulsively following it down the rabbit hole.
Mindfulness And Meditation
I still catch myself feeling envious, but the difference is I catch myself. With techniques such as breathing and labelling, we can be more conscious of our mind and body. So we don’t habitually entangle ourselves in this emotion. Learning to be mindful is also proven to aid neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to unlearn and rewire hurtful patterns into helpful ones.
Interrupt Thoughts Of Comparison And Competition
It’s easy to feel unworthy when you’re constantly holding yourself to the standards of everyone else instead of your own. I still struggle with this at times. But interrupting these thoughts reminds me that another’s attributes do not take away from my own. What we each have to offer cannot be compared because we are each unique. There is not another you, and there is not another me.
Filter Out Influences That Value The Wrong Things, For You
Creating distance between people and influences, whether that’s physically or mentally, can help you shift your focus more onto what you truly value instead of what could make you more valuable. Since becoming more mindful of who and what I let into my mind and heart, I have been able to see where my values were so distorted. I saw impossibly perfect figures on Instagram and believed I needed to look like that or I was ugly. I became “attracted” to men of a higher status, thinking if they wanted me, then I was good enough. But all this did was chip away further at my already fragile self-worth.
We All Have A Common Humanity
We are all different. But we all share something in common: our humanity. We have each felt inadequate at some point or another. We’ve all experienced the ups and downs of life. We have all felt pain and we have all struggled. Instead of tearing each other down to feel better about ourselves, we need to build each other up because we each know what that dark place feels like. Practicing this mindset really helps me tame the envy. Because I realise we all just want to be loved for who we are.
I shall leave you with this quote…
“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.”
Have you struggled with feelings of envy too? What helps you? I’d love to hear your story. Reach out in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
For more strategies to help with feeling envy, check out 6 Strategies for Overcoming Envy (meaningfulhq.com)
