As someone who has to challenge their habitual urge to make people happy, the problem of “how to not care what people think” seems almost impossible to solve. But the truth still remains: our mental peace cannot keep relying solely on what others think, especially of us.
Why We Care What People Think
We all care what people think of us, to some extent. Whether we are aware of it or not, and whether we want to admit it or not. Because we are all human.
We are innately social creatures. Being accepted by the tribe kept us safe, and as we’ve evolved, that survival mechanism is still there. It all begins in infancy. When we’re babies, we connect to our caregivers because they’re our source of food, care, and connection. We literally cannot survive on our own.
So we become hyperaware of our “tribe” to ensure we stay connected and accepted. And thus remain safe. Even when we start to mature and begin meeting these needs ourselves, we are still hardwired to connect.
The downfall to this empathetic trait is that circumstances and influences can cause it to malfunction and become hurtful, quite often, to us.
The Effect Of Trauma
Sadly for so many of us, adverse childhood experiences (ACES) are the root cause as to why we care too much about what others think. However, there are exceptions, such as cultural norms, societal messages, and values.
I grew up keeping others happy, and more importantly, with me. It soothed my wounds. When people were nice to me, included me, or laughed with (and sometimes at) me, I felt a fleeting rise in what I thought of myself.
Fleeting being the key word, putting in so much work to have people care about me just reinforced the belief that I alone must not be enough. Instead, I fell into what became my main trauma response for most of my life: fawning.
If you want to explore what fear responses are, check out my post; A Trauma Response: What Is Fawning?
Caring What Others Think Is A Need For Safety, Masked As “Validation”
It wasn’t just my younger self needing to feel “loved” but also a frantic search for safety. As we grow up, our brains are developing. Everything that is said and done to us during the more critical ages automatically imprints into our subconscious. The way we think and view ourselves and the world around us moulds based on these experiences, like plastic.
If that environment was unstable or unsafe, it’s common for an individual’s nervous system to grow up as such, because it knows no different. My desperation to calm my panicked nervous system came out in my hypervigilance to what others thought.
Any signs of perceived unhappiness from another triggered my trauma responses to go into overdrive. It was like the fire alarm was going off in my head, and I’d rush to put the threat out any way I could. But instead of flooding it with water, I would flood the threat with my inability to say no or speak up, compliments or idealisation, the constant need to make them laugh, physical affection, agreeing with everything they said (even if it’s not how I truly felt), and trying to never not smile. This only added fuel to the fire.
If you no longer feel safe or soothed, regardless of how much approval and attention you get, then it’s probably time to start evaluating. I had gotten to a point where I was so desperate for someone to help the broken me inside that I even compromised on the parts of myself that made me, me. (Even entertaining the idea of giving up animals in my life—and if you know me, then you know something’s wrong!)
Learn How To Not Care What People Think (As Much!)
How many times can I say it without sounding like a broken record? This unhealthy fixation with what people think can only be changed with time and effort. Unfortunately, there is never a quick fix or effortless solution to rewire years of self-harming behaviour. But it really does need to be done because these behaviours are harming us.
These practices have been helping me…
Dig For The Roots
Some of my subconscious beliefs included “what will so and so think” or “I can’t do anything right without someone telling me I’m doing something right.” The list goes on. By burrowing down to the roots behind why you obsess on what others think, you can address where they’ve come from and how they became cemented in your self-image.
I am a firm believer that a lot of the deep-rooted issues we have as adults have been catalysed by an event or events we’ve experienced earlier in life. Something small becomes something big if we’ve been exposed to it enough.
Build Yourself Back Up
When you just see a broken shell of a person (you) and realise you deserve so much more.
You realise that you need to start loving you.
There are so many practices that can help you rebuild your self-worth. Changing what and how I speak to myself, along with journaling, has been such a sanctuary for me. In these pages, there is no judgement and there is no shame. It can be a wake-up call to read how unkind you have been to yourself.
Mindfulness And Meditation Can Teach You How To Not Care What People Think As Much
These skills allow you to notice your thoughts and feelings while still choosing better for you. Since practicing daily (and being mindful throughout the day), I’ve noticed I’m better at regulating my emotions. I can wade through the painful feelings when I panic about what someone thinks.
Find Your Voice
This can be hard, but the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it. Say no when you want to, don’t fill silences because you “have” to, or just share a difference of opinion (if that’s what you think). You start to feel more love for yourself each time you speak up (or don’t).
Trust me, I still struggle with this. It’s a daily challenge. But when your determination to change becomes stronger than your need to care about what people think, you’re willing to do the work.
Do you think you care too much about what people think? Why do you think that is? What helps you? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
