How to deal with loneliness? An almost universal dilemma. The discomfort of feeling isolated and disconnected despite longing for connection can be all-consuming. And it can feel even more disheartening if we have connections, yet still feel lonely.
“When someone is alone, they may not feel lonely. When someone feels lonely, they may not be alone.”
Even when we’re surrounded by people who love and care for us, we can feel separate. It turns out that this is very common. We tend to forget that feeling lonely is a completely normal experience because we are innately social souls. The desire for connection is hardwired into us; it’s primitive and instinctual (though there are always exceptions). Without it, loneliness can actually trigger the same distress as hunger or physical pain.
Before Understanding “How To Deal With Loneliness,” It Can Help To Understand Why You’re Feeling Lonely
There are many reasons one may feel lonely, and it can change from person to person. Some can experience loneliness from a change in life circumstances, such as living alone, losing a loved one, life transitions, etc. But like with all of my posts, I try to connect the dots about how our past can affect our present.
The effects of trauma are obvious. Enduring trauma or severe stress, whether as an adult, an adolescent, or a child, can significantly impact our ability to develop:
- a solid sense of self.
- healthy attachment styles.
- real intimacy.
- healthy self-worth.
- a genuine connection to the world around us.
All of which can cause loneliness.
For those of us who experienced chronic trauma, we often only received connection as a reward. Like a carrot on a stick, this approach caused us to see connections as unsafe and unpredictable. It is almost impossible to feel inner peace, regardless of who we do or don’t have in our lives, because we end up constantly on high alert, anxiously waiting for if and when the connection will be taken away. Essentially, we’ve given the key to our happiness to anyone other than us.
I started to feel lonely, even around people who cared for me. I just couldn’t trust it or believe it, and so, couldn’t truly feel it. Whether I was conscious of it or not, this caused me to push away real intimacy. I felt like an island, disconnected from the joy of the world around me.
Introspection, self-reflection, and insight are necessary for learning the why. Often, behind our deep sense of loneliness, there are wounds that need tending to. “Introspection gives you access to understanding yourself; self-reflection lets you process what you learn; and insights are the answers you come up with and that you can act upon.”
The Harsh Truth Is That The World Cannot Heal Your Loneliness; Only You Can. It’s Our Responsibility And No One Else’s
But this is a great thing!
So with that in mind, here are a few examples of how to deal with loneliness (tried and tested):
Recognise and express this feeling
When we see it as a feeling and not all of who we are, we are braver to give it its space.
Pair the above with mindfulness and meditation
If you’ve never learned how to deal with loneliness, then it can be dysregulating . These skills will calm and re-regulate you, so you don’t become overwhelmed.
Reconnect with the life already around you
This can help remind you that you’re not actually as alone as you feel.
Focus on yourself
Work on personal growth and building yourself up. Eventually, you’ll start to realise how innately deserving you already are, with or without the “connection” your wounds crave.
Mind your language to yourself
I can’t stress enough how key self-compassion and non-judgmental self-talk are to not only easing feelings of loneliness but to your overall mental wellness.
I know this is all easier said than done when you’re feeling lonely. But I promise you, there truly is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to hold on.
How do you deal with loneliness? I’d love to hear your story. Drop a comment or just fill out a contact form!
More tips on how to ease loneliness can be found 15 things to do if you’re feeling lonely | Mental Health Foundation
