Feeling disappointed is something we all experience. Logically, we all understand that we cannot avoid disappointment. Yet at times, we still try.
Why Do We Struggle With Feeling Disappointed?
Feeling disappointed isn’t comfortable. Feeling let down by someone or by something that did or did not happen can trigger an avalanche of emotions on top of the disappointment itself. And if, like me, emotions can be dysregulated anyway, then this landslide can engulf you.
We each have our own relationship to how we handle certain emotions. The reasons you may struggle with feeling disappointed are personal to you:
Perhaps you weren’t allowed to freely feel disappointed. If something or someone let you down, you weren’t given the space to feel disappointed and actually voice that. Instead, you were met with a tough it up response or a “that’s life, just get on with it” approach. Your feelings of disappointment weren’t validated.
Maybe you’ve felt so much disappointment in your life already that now, when it comes up, you greet it with frustration. You may feel hurt and angry that life keeps dealing you bad hands.
And then there’s trauma. Trauma can cause us to struggle with uncomfortable emotions, including disappointment. It not only feels uncomfortable, but it literally dysregulates us and our nervous system. So we end up not only feeling triggered by the disappointment, but our body is now in a state of fight or flight.
When we better understand the reasons, we can hopefully greet disappointment with more kindness.
Feeling Disappointed Is A Two-Way Street
What I’ve come to realise is that I only feel disappointed in someone or something because of the expectation I put into them in the first place. It’s a two-way street. For example, the disappointment I feel when a man I’m talking to doesn’t become the lasting relationship I had expected is because of the ideas I had attached to them.
Taking responsibility for our part of the disappointment we feel isn’t a way to invalidate our experience or give whoever let us down a free pass. But to take control back. If the level of disappointment is dependent on the level of internal expectation, then that’s something we can change! We don’t have to wait for an external source to heal this for us.
Ways That Can Help You When You’re Feeling Disappointed
Adjust Your Expectations
Gosh, I know, this is hard. I, like so many, have gotten into the habit of wishful thinking. As someone who experienced chronic trauma, magical thinking was my escape, my flicker of hope. But now, putting unrealistic expectations in something or someone is hurting me.
Remind Yourself Of What Is
Again, I know how difficult this is. We get caught up in what could be and lose sight of what is. Reminding ourselves of the evidence can separate us enough, so we don’t get attached to a certain outcome. For example, when I notice I’m starting to fantasise about what “could be” with a guy, I step back and start asking myself, “Okay, what are the facts right now?” This man is answering my question, and that is it!
Allow Yourself To Grieve
Bringing yourself back to reality means you let go of the idea you wanted to come to fruition. No matter how “big” or “small” something is, you deserve to feel what you feel. If you attached hope to something, you deserve to have someone support and love you as you grieve that loss. And I can’t think of anyone better than you.
Self Soothe
Implementing the above practices can be dysregulating, so finding ways to re-regulate is key. Since practicing meditation and mindfulness daily, I’ve noticed I’m better at regulating my emotions. I can breathe through the emotional discomfort that comes up when I feel disappointed, and I can ride the wave now instead of drowning under it.
Use Disappointment To Your Advantage
In the midst of the discomfort, there can be a lesson. Use the experience as a chance to reflect. Why did I feel so disappointed? What caused me to get my hopes up? How do I want to deal with this situation if I’m faced with it or something similar again? With these answers, you can choose better for you. For example, reflecting on disappointments helps me see where I let inner wounds take the rein and dream up a future that showed no evidence of happening. Now I remind myself to hold better boundaries, both in myself and towards others, so I can protect myself better.
Despite the disappointment we will inevitably feel in our lifetime, please don’t lose hope. Hope is different from expectation. Expectations can cause us to dwell on the moments that life doesn’t work out. Whereas, hope continues to give us the strength to hold on for the better days still ahead.
Have you struggled with disappointment? How do you cope? I’d love to hear your story. Reach out in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
Learn more ways to help you through disappointment by checking out A Psychologist’s Advice on How to Deal with Disappointment (manhattancbt.com)
