You have probably heard a trauma response, the commonly known ones are: fight, flight, and freeze. But did you know there is actually a fourth one? The fawn response.
What is a Trauma Response?
When you go through a traumatic event, whether a singular experience (such as a natural disaster) or chronic, repeated trauma (such as abuse), your sense of safety has been violated and sometimes shattered. It is important to remember that trauma is subjective and personal to each person. There is no set measure for how it should affect someone. Something that may not seem like much to you could be significantly damaging for someone else.
During these sometimes life-altering events, your body learns how to protect itself. So much so that you can develop behavioural patterns and coping mechanisms that are long-lasting and severe. These are called trauma responses, known as the Four F’s.
You may be wondering which trauma response you fall into. I was the same. But upon learning about each response, it became clear that I had been using all four to cope.
The Fight Response
This response is all about self-preservation, regardless of who you consciously or subconsciously hurt in the process. Your system feels threatened; you feel unsafe. If you back a wild dog into a corner, you can bet he’s going to bite! An example of a healthy fight response would be the ability to be assertive, but an unhealthy response would be bullying.
The Flight Response
As the name suggests, this response causes you to do whatever you can to escape and run from the threat. It can be healthy and give you the confidence to leave a toxic situation, for example. But it can cause unhealthy patterns, such as overworking (to not face the danger) or the inability to still sit (to escape the danger).
The Freeze Response
Like a deer caught in the headlights, this response causes you to “pause” when faced with a threat. This can be beneficial, helping you to be present and mindful of situations. But it can become unhelpful. This would include the inability to make decisions and carrying around the feeling of fear that if you “unfreeze,” the threat will return.
The Fawn Response
“Fawning” is a later arrival at the trauma table and speaks to the people-pleaser in many of us. Even though I have recognised that some of my coping tendencies fall into other categories, this particular response hits a nerve with me. I hold my hands up and acknowledge that I am a fawn. Wait, I have to give myself credit. I’m a Stag-in-Training!
This response causes you to excessively please people (and sometimes the abuser themselves) with the aim of avoiding any conflict and establishing some stability or safety. This coping mechanism is often the result of complex trauma during childhood, which causes you to continue fawning almost everyone, sometimes well into adulthood.
When I learned this, I felt a deep sadness wash over me because I knew this is what I’ve been doing. I knew I was a people-pleaser, and at the time I felt proud of it because I perceived it as me just being kind.
It wasn’t until I entered the world of dating and relationships that this coping mechanism was truly brought to my attention. I was constantly trying to make them happy. I lost my sense of self, agreeing with their thoughts and beliefs. I was unable to set boundaries because I didn’t want them to be unhappy. All the while, I thought I was just being understanding and comprising, like I was supposed to in a relationship. I didn’t realise it was the activation of this trauma response in overdrive.
How can you heal a Trauma Response?
I’m not going to sugarcoat the process. It takes hard work, commitment, patience, and a readiness and wiliness to go inward to unpack, analyse, and face the deep-rooted traumas that are driving these coping mechanisms. This is really the only way to set the wheels in motion. I’m still in the process and am fully aware it is going to take a lot of time.
Have a look at my tools to improve mental health post. These are all practices I utilise and have been invaluable to my mental wellness. I’d suggest having a look, even just to get some ideas and insight into holistic healing yourself.
I’ve found that “cherry picking” what works for you is much more manageable than trying to do everything that everyone is recommending, because, let’s be honest, it would take up all our time, and the point is to be able to incorporate these practices into our daily lives.
But I want you to really hear me when I say that you are very capable of healing your trauma responses. It is possible to live in control of your life and not have life control you.
We all are.
Have you learned something new about yourself after reading this post? I’d love to hear your story. Let me know in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
To learn more about the Four F’s check out The Four Fs of Trauma – Global Association for Trauma Recovery (gaftr.org)
