Enjoying compliments, recognition, or appreciation isn’t wrong, not at all. It feels good to be seen. But if your whole sense of worth depends on external validation, then that can’t continue. Trust me, I’ve told myself this too, over and over again. I finally came to understand that my mental peace couldn’t keep relying on what others thought of me.
When Did I Realise I Was Unhealthily Attached To External Validation?
I hadn’t truly realised I was a chronic people-pleaser until I was a young adult, and I certainly didn’t realise how toxic it had become until I started dating. Before that, I didn’t acknowledge the anxiety and pain it caused. Instead, I believed the warped perception I grew up with—that to be a good person, I had to put everyone else first.
Not only this, but my need to be liked drove me to become hypervigilant and hyper-focused on others instead of myself. Many may misinterpret this need as superficial or shallow, but the deeper wounds this craving is stemming from make it anything but.
In My Case
I grew up keeping others happy, and more importantly, with me. It soothed my wounds. When people were nice to me, included me, or laughed with me, I felt a fleeting rise in what I thought of myself. Fleeting being the key word, putting in so much work to have people care about me just reinforced the belief that I alone must not be enough. Instead, I fell into what became my main trauma response for most of my life: fawning. (I’ve discussed trauma responses before.)
It’s Not Just A Need For External Validation; It’s A Need To Feel Safe
It wasn’t just my younger self needing to feel “loved” but also a frantic search for safety. As we grow up, our brains are developing. Everything that is said and done to us during the more critical ages automatically imprints into our subconscious. The way we think and view ourselves and the world around us moulds based on these experiences, like plastic.
If that environment was unstable or unsafe, it’s common for an individual’s nervous system to grow up as such, because it knows no different. My desperation to calm my panicked nervous system came out in my people-pleasing.
Any signs of perceived unhappiness from another triggered my trauma responses to go into overdrive. It was like the fire alarm was going off in my head, and I’d rush to put the threat out any way I could. But instead of flooding it with water, I would flood the threat with my inability to say no or speak up, compliments or idealisation, the constant need to make them laugh, physical affection, agreeing with everything they said (even if it’s not how I truly felt), and trying to never not smile. Amongst many other things. This only added fuel to the fire.
When Do You Decide That Self-Validation Needs To Replace Your Need For External Validation?
When no amount of external validation fills that void.
I started to realise that I was no longer even feeling soothed by these moments. Regardless of how much approval and attention I got, I still felt deeply unsafe and self-conscious. What’s more, I started to feel worse. As I continued to devalue myself, the more I erased who I was. I had gotten to a point where I was so desperate for someone to help the broken me inside, that I compromised on the parts of myself that made me, me. (Even entertaining the idea of giving up animals in my life—and if you know me, then you know something’s wrong!)
So How Can You Begin To Break That Cycle?
Hmm… How many times can I say it without sounding like a broken record? You have to put in the time and effort to make the changes necessary. Unfortunately, there is never a quick fix or effortless solution to unlearn and rewire years of self-harming beliefs. Because these behaviours are harming us.
Here are a few examples of what I’m doing to help rewire my need for external validation.
Find The Root Cause
Some of my subconscious beliefs included “I’m worthless unless someone makes me feel I’m not” or “I can’t do anything right without someone telling me I’m doing something right.” The list goes on. By burrowing down to the roots behind your need for external validation and discovering your subconscious beliefs, you can address where they’ve come from and how they became cemented in your self-image.
I am a firm believer that a lot of the deep-rooted issues we have as adults have been catalysed by an event or events we’ve experienced earlier in life. Something small becomes something big if we’ve been exposed to it enough.
Build Yourself Back Up
Before I started my healing journey, I spent the majority of my life beating myself down and allowing others to do the same. But there comes a time when you realise, enough is enough. It’s like an out-of-body experience; you just see this broken shell of a person (you) and realise they deserve so much more. An overwhelming feeling of compassion for “Faith” allowed me to start building myself back up.
You realise that you need to start loving you.
Take your time to heal the parts of you that needed external validation. There are so many practices that can help you rebuild your self-worth. Changing what I say to myself and how I say it, along with journaling, has been such a sanctuary for me. In these pages, there is no judgement, and there is no shame. I have been able to understand why I was the way I was and build in new self-talk. You start to be kinder to yourself when you read how unkind you have been.
Meditation
Since practicing daily (and being mindful throughout the day), I’ve noticed I’m better at regulating my emotions. I can breathe through the painful feelings that come up when my need for external validation is triggered. I can ride the wave now instead of drowning under it.
As you break this habit, it’s inevitable that “cravings” will pop up. Meditation also helps by training your mind to allow and accept these emotions and thoughts when they arise.
Find Your Voice
This can be hard, but the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it. Saying no when you want to, not filling silences because you have to, or just sharing a difference of opinion can help you see that you actually don’t need to please people. You start to feel more love for yourself each time you speak up (or don’t).
I Encourage You To Browse Resources Too
A lot of my practices have come from self-exploration: uncovering one rock led to another, and so on.
I want you to know that I’m not completely there yet either; I too still struggle at times.
I could go on and on, but this post may be getting a little too long. So I leave you with this beautiful quote by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”
Have you struggled with needing others to validate you? How do you overcome it? I’d love to hear your story, leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
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