I used to think that holding on to negative memories kept me stuck in the past. But now I’ve realised my fear of remembering “better” times actually warped the view I had of my good memories.
How Can Remembering Good Memories Be Beneficial?
Remembering good memories can be wonderful. It reminds us that we’ve experienced joyous moments in the past and helps us see that we have a lot to live for, especially in those times when we think we may not. Recalling memories that have a positive emotional charge can interrupt negative thoughts and help us become more resilient when they inevitably pop up. According to Psychologs, they can also help improve our self-esteem, lower stress, and even improve our immune system.
But Good Memories Become Bad
When reminiscence becomes rumination. I realised I was starting to hold on to the good memories in a not-so-good way. I began replaying happier times when I wasn’t happy, and instead of feeling uplifted and comforted, I felt resentful and sad. Almost without control, moments of the past would plague my mind, and I would desperately long for what was, despite it being a completely impossible feat.
I totally understand those who still try to relive good memories despite knowing they cannot, because there are moments I catch myself doing the same. I just couldn’t accept that those moments were in the past. Why did things have to end and people have to leave? Why did ideas of what I wanted not come to fruition? Questions that may never be answered would become a source of fixation for me.
Nostalgia Is An Emotional State Often Triggered By A Reminder Of Something From The Past.
According to verywellmind, nostalgia can be positive or negative. Over time, my rumination became so habitual that I developed a deep fear of nostalgia. I didn’t want to remember anymore. I didn’t want to constantly dwell on unanswerable questions or feel the injustice of losing what was. Anxiety started to grow whenever I noticed my mind jump into a happy memory. They were now bringing up negative emotions, and my consciousness mistakenly wired their presence alone as negative. I no longer saw the beauty of good memories, but the darkness that clouded them.
I even induced negative nostalgia, already anticipating loss. Feeling sad and heartbroken at the thought that something would eventually end. Like when I would start dating someone I really liked, I couldn’t enjoy it because I would be riddled with anxiety and sadness, thinking of how much I’d miss it when it’s over. This really frustrated me. Why couldn’t I just enjoy the moment and not pre-emptively jump to the end?
It Turns Out This Is Actually A Thing. It’s Called “Anticipatory Nostalgia.”
Yes, my mind blew too. I just assumed these were all problems with me.
It can be defined as “missing what has not yet been lost, that is still taking place.” While reading up about this, I felt cogs fall into place and light bulbs start to ding. There was a theory behind a habitual pattern that had been causing me distress for so long. I would fear experiencing anything good because I deeply believed it would be unbearable when it was over. I would desperately long for a connection with someone, but at the same time, I would pull back, thinking it would hurt less when that connection was over. Subconsciously preventing myself from truly and vulnerably connecting.
I could never trust anything good that happened to me or for me. And I think this has a great deal to do with my childhood. I didn’t get the level of love, care, and happiness I wanted. It was unpredictable and came with conditions. I was left constantly on edge for when I would have to fend for myself again.
So it makes sense that adults who experienced traumatic childhoods anticipate loss. How can someone feel safe in the good moments when any good moments they’d experienced were pulled out from under them.
But we are not kids anymore, are we. There comes a point when we have to take back control and power. Rewire ourselves, and not let old wounds keep us stuck in the past.
So How Can You Embrace Nostalgia Instead Of Fearing It?
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again. Hard, conscious effort is key, especially for embedded patterns that have had years to cement themselves into your mind. It’s up to you to put in the work. But this shouldn’t scare you; this should empower you!
Learning to be present through techniques like mindfulness and meditation can help you focus on the moment and enjoy what is, which is helpful when nostalgic feelings of what was or what could be creep in and affect you negatively.
Learning acceptance is so hard, but it is also needed. Even though nostalgic anxiety and sadness have popped up since working on myself, I see them in a different light. My perspective has shifted, and my resiliency has grown. I can move on quicker and better accept the reality that life changes.
Have a look at my tools to improve mental health page for more ideas and practices.
And Just Continue To Work On Yourself, Loving Yourself And Seeing The Worth In Yourself.
With time, you’ll see the subtle but mighty changes in who you are from who you were. This is what continues to give me hope and inspiration to push on.
One day, we’ll see all the good in looking back and be strong enough to face what is to come.
Do you think you’ve struggled with anticipatory nostalgia after reading this? I’d love to hear your story. Let me know the comments or just fill out a contact form!
