Before I started taking a good look at how I contributed to my own struggles, I was one of those people who laid blame on those close to me. I do validate each and every one of us who have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect. It’s completely understandable to hold resentment towards those who inflicted it on us. But that doesn’t mean it’s helpful for us. It hadn’t occurred to me at the time that these people might be in pain themselves. It’s like the old saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people.” Whether it’s intentional or not. But this is why breaking generational trauma is essential. Not only our own healing and happiness, but for generations to come.
What Is Generational Trauma?
It can be referred to as intergenerational trauma or transgenerational trauma, and is often caused “by extreme events, abuse or prolonged periods of difficult times.” These can then be “passed down as if they were genetic.“
When I mean trauma is passed down, I’m not saying carbon copies of a past generation’s trauma are imprinted onto the children and so on, but the physiological, psychological, and behavioural patterns that have occurred as a result are. For example, if a parent learned to cope by either dissociating or finding unhealthy methods of distraction, then the child, now being raised by an emotionally disconnected parent, will observe and mirror these same harmful traits. Then, when this child faces his or her own “demons,” she will cope with them the only way he or she knows how, even if it damages them further in the long run. This is why breaking generational trauma is complex and intensive. But like a vicious game of Jenga, these traumas will continue to stack until someone pulls out the right brick.
The Unfortunate Consequences Of Not Breaking Generational Trauma
Generational trauma is so much more common than we think. Most of us have gone through some sort of trauma at some point in our lives, and some more than others. Our parents and our parent’s parents have gone through their own battles, but sadly, the level of awareness that is encouraged now didn’t exist. Once I began to self-reflect, it became painfully clear just how many symptoms of generational trauma I was exhibiting: lack of self-worth, emotional numbness (from feeling too many emotions or too intense of an emotion), feelings of hopelessness, a fear of death, an unhealthy attachment style, negative thinking patterns—to name a few!
Before, I was crippled with feelings and flashbacks. There was a time I was constantly plagued with unanswered questions, like “Why am I being treated this way?” And my confused, fragile self couldn’t let go of the resentment. But as I started to heal, the more I became curious, and I started to find answers for myself. I’m not saying you should excuse how you were treated, but you might be able understand it.
Why Breaking Generational Trauma Is Necessary
Sadly, not everyone is ready or willing to open Pandora’s box. Sometimes it can just be too painful, or some are simply unaware and show no signs or desire to become so. The thing I have come to realise is that we cannot force another human being to change. We can help and share our thoughts, but until they decide for themselves that they want to be different, then we must focus on ourselves.
I saw the road ahead—the one I was already on. Behind me, it was beaten and worn down, and in front of me, it was unsteady and unstable. It was the obvious route to more sadness and pain and a life that would never make me happy. This realisation made me set about breaking generational trauma and breaking that cycle. I needed life to be different, to be better. Not only for myself, but for those around me and for those to come.
Where To Start?
First, validate yourself. This can be hard to do if you never learned how. It feels unnatural. But acknowledge what happened and allow yourself to realise, “You know what, that wasn’t right, and I am not to blame.” I was initially scared to do this because I feared that the flood gates holding back all the emotions that were attached to the traumas would break out, like a tsunami. Yes, it was very painful. But I knew it had to be done; I needed to acknowledge them so that I could work through them.
Regulate Your Dysregulation
Once that box is open, it can be hard to handle everything that comes out. So learning to regulate yourself is key. Self-awareness and self-regulation have been transformative for me. I can now tolerate emotions and bring myself back to a calmer place, something I had never been taught.
The Power Of Compassion
Build compassion for yourself and, yes, for those who hurt you. I know, that last one can seem almost impossible to do. I was so set in my mind that they didn’t deserve understanding or forgiveness. But once I learned more about their pain and their traumas, I started to see them for what they were, like so many of us, wounded souls. Which helped me.
Process, Process, Process
Work through your past and your past behaviours; realise where you have been hurting yourself. This awareness is necessary because you need to see what needs to change. I continue to do this through different practices and techniques (found here). Continual reflection has helped me build more autonomy in my choices. I now know, I can decide better.
Remember, “Trauma is a fact of life, it does not, however, have to be a life sentence.”
Can you relate to this topic? What has helped you? I’d love to hear your story. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
