* Trigger warning: the following blog contains content relating to suicide, self-harm, and mental illness. – I wanted to make this post as honest as possible in the hopes that it would also be informative. I do want to make it clear that I am not an expert on this subject and am in no way a trained professional. This is just how living with this condition has affected me personally and how I interpret Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
It goes by a few other names, including Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), Emotional Intensity Disorder (EID), and Borderline Pattern Personality Disorder (Borderline Pattern PD). Officially, I was diagnosed with the term EUPD. However, having the word “unstable” in it made me feel worse about myself. So I adopted BPD. But now, having just discovered these other terms, I might convert to EID. My condition, my rules, right?
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Many organisations phrase their definitions of this mental illness a little differently from each other. To summarise, Borderline Personality Disorder is seen as the most common personality disorder affecting the way one feels, thinks, and behaves. Individuals struggle with how they feel about themselves and others, finding it difficult to cope and process emotions that often feel very intense and overwhelming. This can also lead to quick and significant shifts in mood and impulsive behaviour. Because of this, we can become entangled in intense yet unstable relationships and struggle with our sense of self. These are just a few of the symptoms I experienced when my EID was unmanaged.
How did I get diagnosed?
In order to receive this diagnosis (which was in 2018), I had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation and experience five of the nine following patterns (as stated by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, DSM-5):
- Desperate efforts to avoid abandonment (actual or imagined)
- Unstable, intense relationships that can alternate between idealising and devaluing the other person
- An unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in ≥2 areas that could harm themselves (i.e., unsafe sex, binge eating, reckless driving)
- Repeated suicidal behaviour and/or gestures, threats, or self-mutilation
- Rapid changes in mood, usually lasting only a few hours and rarely more than a few days
- Persistent feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriately intense anger or problems controlling anger
- Temporary paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms triggered by stress
At the time, I exhibited characteristics 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 most consistently. This quote pretty much sums up how it felt me; “BPD is like the emotional version of being a burn victim. Everything hurts more than it seems to for everyone else, and any “thick skin” you’re supposed to have just isn’t there. “
What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?
It is believed a combination of factors contribute to the development of Borderline Personality Disorder: genetics, issues with brain chemicals, and long-term environmental stressors (for me, it was prolonged trauma).
I was able to get an idea of how I came to be this way. I did feel relief at finally having a name for how I had felt for so long, but at the same time I felt worry for what this meant for me long term. Fears like, Would I be like this forever? How do I fix this? What will others think? Among many others, plagued my mind.
How is Borderline Personality Disorder treated?
According to some medical organisations, there is no treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder itself; symptoms are usually managed with therapy and medication. Unfortunately, very often drugs become ineffective, which was the case for me. I bounced around different prescription drugs until I found my current combination. Thankfully, I found a wonderful therapist with whom I felt completely at ease.
I also completed Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT), a form of psychotherapy, through the NHS. Which at the time did help, but sadly, you are only provided a certain number of sessions until you have to be discharged. Despite feeling okay, I was NOT better, and so after the course finished, I was back in the deep end, continuing to struggle.
I experienced moments of reprieve, which gave me false hope, but the thing I hadn’t truly understood was that I had to put the effort in too. I think I expected medication and therapy to magically make me all better, but what I realise now is that I really wasn’t doing anything myself.
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
My new way of life wasn’t quick. It may seem that all of a sudden something clicked, like a light flicking on, and now I’m this new and improved human. Which is true. But it took 29 years of agonising moments to get here.
I think the game changer was my mindset; I now have an unwavering desire to heal myself and live a life whole and free from this condition. EID is just a very small piece in a very big puzzle that I’m finally learning to put together to make a healed and complete me. My commitment to this mission has led me to explore anything and everything that will allow me to outgrow my EID and achieve inner peace.
I know this journey is hard, and you will need to put so much effort in day after day, but the reward is priceless.
* If you feel you need support, I really do hope you take the courage to talk to your doctor or someone you feel comfortable with and ask for help. I am more than happy to answer what I can. It can help to feel like you’re not alone.
What do you think of this condition? Do you agree one can “cure” oneself? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
References:
Mental Health UK. “What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? – Mental Health UK.” Mental Health UK, 2019, mentalhealth-uk.org/help-and-information/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/what-is-bpd/.
Mind. “About BPD.” Www.mind.org.uk, Mind, Jan. 2018, www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/.
NHS. “Causes – Borderline Personality Disorder.” Nhs.uk, 12 Feb. 2021, www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/causes/.
