This is such a common question. An almost universal dilemma. Many of us, including myself, have at some point or another fallen into the conundrum of ‘attachment vs love.’ But when we take a step back, it becomes unequivocally clear how different they really are.
That’s not to say the two aren’t related. I do believe that when we love someone, whether it’s familial, platonic or romantic, an emotional attachment forms. But in this post, when I talk about “attachment,” I’m referring to unhealthy, self-defeating attachment.
Attachment vs Love: A Few Differences
For starters, one is created by the heart, and the other is created by the mind.
Do you ever notice that when you think about someone you love, you can actually feel it in your chest? You feel warmth and sometimes an ache (but a good ache!). But when it’s attachment, your mind kicks in. You can feel the amount of mental energy it’s demanding of you. The physical manifestations of both may contribute to why I, like many others, mistook love for attachment. You’re feeling something in your body and think it’s coming from the heart. But in actuality, it is the symptom of an unhealthy attachment in your mind.
Love supports mental freedom. Attachment drives rumination.
When you love someone, you aren’t anxiously overthinking everything. Yes, you think about them, but those thoughts tend to ebb and flow, and don’t induce overwhelming anxiety. I could tell when something I was feeling for someone was attachment, because my mind kept analysing.
Love is soothing. Attachment is dysregulating.
The safety and calm you feel with genuine love, soothes. But feeling attached, dysregulates. It shines a light on any attachment wounds that were hiding in the shadows. For example; when I’m with friends I love, I just feel better. But when I was with someone from that place of attachment, I feel unsettled and triggered.
Love Has A Sense Of Selflessness. Attachment Has A Sense Of Selfishness.
Love is not completely selfless, and if you try to love like this, you may end up losing yourself. But there is a sense of selflessness. Attachment, on the other hand, has a selfish undertone. There is a desperate need to be loved by that person, with the hope that their “love” will heal our internal world. I think deep down, I felt these attachments would fill in all the holes I temporarily spackled over.
Rewriting Your Narrative
It isn’t until we take the time to reflect and be brutally, but compassionately, honest with ourselves that we can start to decide better. This is where you need to be brave and put in the effort to make sense of why you attach this way. So that you can rewrite your narrative.
For me and countless others, unhealthy attachments tend to show up more in potentially romantic situations or relationships. I’ve finally been able to acknowledge that what I experienced with the past guys in my life was not love. It was attachment. I stayed in unhealthy, hurtful dynamics not only because I was subconsciously looking for what I believed was missing in me, but also because I was afraid to be with my wounds, undistracted and alone. Being with oneself can be challenging. And even more so if you have parts that you’ve shamed into suppression.
But if you struggle with unhealthy attachment, this phase is necessary. Otherwise, history will continue to repeat itself. Have a read of my 4-part attachment series and you’ll hopefully be able to start piecing together your ‘attachment vs love’ puzzle and learn from the bigger picture.
The truth is, we are all born with the innate desire to love and be loved. But the level and way in which we attach is learned, which gives hope that it can be unlearned.
Have you ever mistaken love for attachment? How could you tell? I’d love to hear your story. Let me know in the comments. Or just fill out a contact form!
If you want to learn more differences between love and attachment, check out Love Vs. Attachment: Understanding the Difference (marriage.com)
