This week’s post is about the first of the three insecure attachment forms: the anxious attachment style. When I first learned about this one, I immediately thought, “That’s me!” Yes, I do have traits of an anxiously attached person, but it turns out this one doesn’t quite fit the bill. And you may find out you’re the same.
What Is An Anxious Attachment Style?
*Side note: It’s helpful to get an idea of what attachment theory is. I discussed it in my last post. It’ll help you better understand where the styles came from.
Also known as the anxious-ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment. It’s a form rooted in a deep fear of abandonment or rejection from others in a relationship. Most commonly in romantic connections, but it can impact any relationship you may feel insecure in. For example, growing up, friendships, especially in school, triggered a fear of not being wanted by the other person. I feared they’d discard me, and I’d be left not feeling good enough. I remember asking for frequent reassurance: “Are we still friends?” and “Do you still like me?”. Looking back, I do feel embarrassment and shame, but I also know that behaviour stemmed from chronic, repetitive trauma. Which caused me to feel innately unworthy of anyone.
How Is It Developed?
Growing up in an environment where your needs are met inconsistently can result in an anxious attachment. However, developing this style isn’t solely limited to childhood experiences. You can also become more anxiously attached after experiencing adverse circumstances as an adult. For example, if you were in an unhealthy relationship,.
Examples of how we can become anxiously attached include:
If A Child Is Raised With Inconsistency, They Become Confused
“Why is mum/dad not soothing me today, but they did yesterday?” If a parent picks and chooses when they meet their child’s needs, the child starts to lose trust in their caregiver’s ability to meet them at all. As this continues, they are more likely to normalise this treatment as adults because they think that’s just how it is.
If A Child Is Raised By Emotionally Distant Or Neglectful Caregivers, They Find It Harder To Feel Stable And Secure In Themselves
Just like we learned from the secure attachment post, children learn to self-soothe and manage their feelings because their caregivers respond to and validate their emotional needs. If the child isn’t comforted or validated when they’re distressed or hurt, they are more likely to become overwhelmed by these emotions.
If A Child Is Raised By An Emotionally Hungry Caregiver
This is where the caregiver struggles to cope with the emotional void or discomfort they feel in themselves, and they end up using closeness and contact with their child to soothe their own needs instead of providing it as a way to meet their children’s needs. The caregiver may be trying to, intentionally or unintentionally, recreate what they didn’t receive as a child themselves, such as affection or a sense of love. This can result in unhealthy parenting, such as becoming overprotective, excluding the other caregiver as the main source of contact, or setting an expectation for the child to take care of them.
This “take” rather than “give” dynamic drains the child (trust me, I know). And it can result in the child becoming fixated and hypervigilant about the needs of the parent. Then, in adulthood, this child finds it difficult to see the importance of their own needs as they become preoccupied with meeting the needs of others.
If A Child Is Raised By An Anxiously Attached Caregiver
Our caregivers set the stage for what healthy relationships and behaviours are. If their example is rooted in “anxiety and anxious behaviours,” then the child is more likely to believe it as the norm.
Signs You Are Anxiously Attached
Here are a few traits that are common in those who have an anxious attachment style:
Reassurance And Validation Is A Need Rather Than A “Bonus”
Being reassured and validated by a loved one is nice. It helps us feel cared for and loved. But when we’re anxiously attached, it feels like a desperate cry to soothe the insecurity beneath. Our past experiences cause us to get stuck on high alert, constantly assessing the state of the relationship and what the other person thinks of us. And our inability to feel genuinely safe and secure can cause us to repeatedly ask for affirmations that “we’re” okay. I remember times when it felt like I was pulling it out of the other person.
Rejection And Criticism Feels So Much More Painful For Those Of Us Anxiously Attached
Even if you’re only anticipating rejection or criticism from someone, it can cause an overwhelming emotional reaction. Being an internal struggler, the pain I felt from rejection or criticism caused me to overthink about what a screwup I was.
Sitting In Silence Or Spending Time Away From The Other Person Causes Distress
As validation is coveted from outside ourselves, silence or independence triggers and unsettles us. Without that constant communication to assure us that the relationship is safe and won’t be pulled out from under us, we feel anxious.
A Need to Have The State Of the Relationship Set In Stone
Especially in the early stages. For me, there was a debilitating need to know that that person would be my “forever.” So that I wouldn’t experience the pain of loss, rejection, and unworthiness that would flood in if it didn’t.
Constant Need For Closeness And Physical Contact
And again, not as a loving perk of the relationship but as a need to feel secure. There were times I felt I just couldn’t let go of the other person, literally! I felt desperate, but the anxiety felt crippling. Physical touch gave me that rush of “love and care” that I longed for. But the reality is that physical affection does not always equal love.
When You’re Anxiously Attached, You Avoid Conflict, Unhealthily
You may have learned that in order to keep the peace, you needed to silence your inner voice. Now you find it almost impossible to speak up in a relationship of any kind. Yes, I clung. But when it came to actually expressing myself, I couldn’t. I was terrified to rock the boat, to upset the other person, or to have them upset with me.
*More signs can be found here.
Learn How To Self-Soothe, And Heal An Anxious Attachment Style
These Practices can help you self-soothe as well as heal the anxiously attached in you
Become Aware Of Your Patterns And Behaviours
When we’re children, our behaviours can be a normal response to abnormal circumstances. You need to know that it was not your fault. You acted in the only way you knew how at the time. But now we’re adults, and the patterns that once helped us now hurt us. I finally took responsibility for the fact that in all the unhealthy “relationships” I engaged in, I was the common denominator. Once you bring those internal hazards into the light, you take the first step in taking back control instead of them controlling you.
Practise Self-Compassion For Being Anxiously Attached
Be gentle with yourself. This can be so hard, I know. Those anxiously attached often struggle with self-esteem and worth. Which can make you your own worst critic. This is something I continue to work on whenever I notice I’m beating myself up for how I acted in the past.
Learn How To Self-Regulate Your Anxiously Attached Side
Once you open up Pandora’s box (it doesn’t have to be this big!) of core wounds that made you anxiously attached in the first place, it can be unsettling. For both your emotional state and nervous system. Learning how to re-regulate is essential. You need to self-soothe instead of looking for an external person or factor to ease your dysregulation. I ride the wave out and calm the internal storm with practices discussed throughout the blog and on the “my tools” page.
Boundaries!
Admitting that I was letting certain people into my life and that I was allowing certain treatments to fly made it clear that I had no boundaries. Having learned to say yes to everything and everyone means we haven’t learned to say no. So this step is challenging, but necessary.
“Improve Communication Skills”
Things like active listening, using “I” statements, and taking criticism as constructive rather than personal attacks. These have helped me feel more in control of how I talk to people and how I interpret things said to me. You feel stronger to speak your truth without needing others to read between the lines because you feel more worthy of having your needs heard. And when emotions are triggered by what others say, you can step back enough to respond in a way you’re proud of.
These are only a few things that can help you move towards a secure attachment. Venture out. Trial and error. See what works for you. Remember, styles are learned. Which gives hope that they can be unlearned.
What are your thoughts on the anxious attachment style? Do you think you are anxiously attached? I’d love to hear your story and your views. Leave a comment or just fill out a contact form!
