Sometimes it feels like this war with anxiety is never-ending. But then, of course it’ll never end; I’m fighting a battle that can never be won. Turns out the goal is not to rid ourselves of anxiety but to accept anxiety.
Why do we find it hard to accept anxiety
I cannot lie to myself. I know part of me is still trying to heal anxiety, not with the intention of embracing it, but with the agenda of eliminating it. And because of that, I grip tighter to the very thing I’m trying to run from. Like the old saying goes, “What we resist, persists.”
For so long, my anxiety came hand in hand with fear. Fear caused by trauma. Once my anxiety and fear merged, I was no longer able to differentiate between the two. Whenever I felt anxious, my nervous system jumpstarted into self-protection mode. I was no longer anxious but terrified. And because of this, I was not able to accept anxiety.
For those of us that have experienced trauma, especially chronic trauma, we can associate anxiety with pain, even after those experiences have long ended. Hence why my go-to response is still to brace myself. My mind and body still believe I’m in real danger.
How can we start to accept anxiety?
It’s not our fault that we have the misguided belief that anxiety is a threat, something to be feared. But it’s our responsibility to recognise that this belief will only continue to hurt us.
I get it; it can seem almost impossible to break this combative approach. But the truth is, the anxiety is working exactly how it’s supposed to; it’s trying to protect us. So instead of fighting with it, stop and ask what it needs. Then listen. Pay attention.
When I stop and give my anxiety space, I see a little me that feels fear without safety. A little me that feels fear but believes she is alone. A frightened little soul that doesn’t know how to cope with anxiety because she never had a chance to feel it without fear. So I kneel down to her and ask, “What do you need from me, darling?” She replies, “I just need you to let me be here. To let me know I won’t be shamed or shunned for something I can’t help.” And as the adult, I can give her that. I can hold her for however long she needs. I can be the safe space she always deserved but never got. All whilst remaining the adult. To ground her when the wave becomes too big.
Now, the anxious “me” deserves my attention, but the compulsive, catastrophising thinking does not. Pulling ourselves back from the overthinking takes repeated effort. It’s definitely not easy to notice when we’re falling down the rabbit hole and then to focus our energy on calming the dysregulation and climbing back out. But it’s necessary.
Here are some tools that can help calm us, long enough to start to accept anxiety:
Explore Polyvagal Techniques
Such as breathing exercises and mindfulness. They can jumpstart the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps get us into a calm enough state to reground and refocus. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to cope with my feelings until I made the conscious effort to teach myself re-regulation through mindfulness and meditation. That’s not to say the anxiety doesn’t still overwhelm me at times, but the key is I keep trying.
Mind Our Language—To Ourselves
The way we talk to ourselves does have an effect, whether we realise it or not. At the moment, the anxiety often triggers me to overthink and catastrophise. But now I can recognise when this is happening and interrupt the habit more frequently. Yes, being with the anxiety is painful, but it’s better for me in the long run.
Give Yourself Credit
(Myself included) for just how far we’ve come, despite our struggle with anxiety. We continue to show strength, perseverance, and bravery. And we should be even more proud that we are willing to learn how to accept anxiety, because it won’t be a straightforward path. There will be ups and downs, pitfalls, and obstacles. But as long as we keep working at it, it’ll get easier over time.
Do you struggle with accepting anxiety too? What helps you? I’d love to hear your story. Let me know in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
Another good approach to accepting anxiety can be found here EP 127 – Accepting Anxiety Does NOT Mean Liking It
