I saw myself as an extrovert. Being around friends, making people laugh, and being in coffee shops. I don’t keep in the house or hide from the world. So how could I be socially anxious? Turns out there is such a thing as a socially anxious extrovert!
A Brief Overview Of Social Anxiety
Anxiety is not new to any of us. At some point or another, we’ve all felt anxious because we’re human. Social anxiety is one of the many forms it takes. And tends to be triggered before, in, or after social interactions. Like most things, it can be on a spectrum. Ranging from persistent anxiety to an actual diagnosed disorder, such as social phobia.
Why We Think Only Introverts Are Socially Anxious
We’ve all heard of introverts and extroverts. Often thinking we all fall into one of the other. If we enjoy alone time, then we must be introverted. Or if we enjoy a party, then we must be extroverted. With that mentality, we mistakenly assume only introverts can be socially anxious. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be experiencing this anxiety.
Yes, it tends to be those more introverted who struggle with social anxiety, but I believe we have traits of both introversion and extroversion. Feeling more anxious in certain situations or around certain people, and vice versa. Making most of us ambiverts (yes, this is a thing, but we’ll explore that another day).
Signs You May Be A Socially Anxious Extrovert Too
We are all different, and the ways social anxiety shows up in me may not be how it shows up in you. However, I do believe we can often find similarities in each other’s stories. As I said before, I lean more towards extroversion on the ambivert scale. Which can actually make it more challenging. You see, the extrovert in me wants connection, but simultaneously I fear it. I feel drawn to social settings but, at the same time, feel overwhelming worry about how I’ll be perceived in said settings. – It’s a disorganised dynamic. More signs I have struggled with social anxiety include:
I Feel Pressure To Be “On” In Social Situations
A need to be constantly happy (or at least seem like it). If someone looks unhappy, I can become overly worried; it’s because of me.
I Feel Exposed In Public
There are times I think everyone is watching me (this is also known as the spotlight effect). The perceived threat that I’ll be rejected or judged triggers a hypervigilance in me.
This Hypervigilance Can Trigger My Physiology To Change Too
My body tenses and my voice can change. There are even times the anxiety has grown so much that I suddenly realise I’ve been holding my breath!
Depending On The Person(s), Holding Eye Contact Can Be Hard
It can feel threatening for me. So in an attempt to soothe my fear, I break contact and submit (sometimes my head even drops, like a dog being told off). I mean, what is that about?!
I Overthink
The value I put in people liking me can cause me to overanalyse how I am in social situations, to the point that I struggle to fully enjoy or be present. It can also cause me to ruminate well after interactions are over. Shaming and scolding myself for all the ways I think I embarrassed myself.
Ironically, This Anxiety Can Trigger Me To Overcompensate With More Social Contact
Needing reassurance, joking too much, or the urge to feel the empty silence are all ways I’ve tried to soothe myself in the past.
How To Cope Better As A Socially Anxious Extrovert
It does take time and effort to unlearn behaviours like this. Because they often stem from things that are much more deeply rooted. Below are a few of the practices that continue to help me heal these hurtful habits:
Write
By facing and understanding the story behind why we feel socially anxious, we can start to process it. I do this through writing. The effects of journaling are amazing for many reasons. Writing down my story has helped me see it from a calmer perspective, allowing me to evaluate and dissect it. I peel back as many layers as I can to understand the drive and the roots behind being a socially anxious extrovert.
Re-Regulate Yourself
Social anxiety is dysregulating. So learning to re-regulate yourself is key. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to cope with my feelings until I made the conscious effort to teach myself self-regulation. Through practices like breathwork and meditation, you can teach yourself to re-regulate when you feel the anxiety brewing. You can start to give yourself the crucial seconds needed to simmer back down. (Don’t be too hard on yourself if you do slip up at times; so do I; I just remember we’re still healing.)
Become Mindful On What The Social Anxiety Will Have You Believe
Since adopting mindfulness, my ability to withstand the negative thoughts of social anxiety and lessen the rumination has improved. Even though they can still trigger emotional discomfort, I don’t feel as entangled or overwhelmed by them.
Change These Negative Thoughts
This is not the same as blocking out the negative thought and just replacing it with something positive. I accept the thought and then see how I can interpret it in a more positive light. By doing this, I am still acknowledging the thought, but I am also shifting my mindset in the direction I want it to go.
I’ll leave you with this quote, that sums up for me what social anxiety has been like, let me know if you can relate…
“Just because I made it here doesn’t mean it was easy. And just because I don’t seem overwhelmed doesn’t mean I’m not”
Have you struggled with social anxiety? What helps you? I’d love to hear your story. Reach out in the comments or just fill out a contact form!
To learn more signs of social anxiety check out Social Anxiety Disorder: Signs, Symptoms, and Sub-Types (verywellmind.com)
